My best friend is a sculptor. I don't mean the kind you do with a knife on wood or ice, I mean with her husband. She never talks bad about him to me or any of her other friends. She changes any topic to bring out how great he is. She does that to his face too. In fact, the other night at dinner he said something funny (it really wasn't but we all laughed), and she responded with, "You are so funny, I just love it." My husband adores her because she is so kind to her husband. I love her, because I leave every encounter with her feeling happy that she loves him so much. Her husband adores her too because she brings out the very best in him. He brags all the time that she is the one who worked on his head so he could actually complete medical school. I am not sure if my friend ever saw a flaw in her husband, but I am sure if she did she would turn it into an asset that would benefit him.

My friend is not a scientist, nor is she in the field of psychology. She most likely has never heard of the "Michelangelo phenomenon." This Phenomenon that was studied by Eli Finkel, and Caryl Rusbult shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly. When the spouse sculpted the relationship well the relationship functions better, and both partners are happier. So why is this different than just being a loving, supportive partner? Many times when you are loving or supportive, you aren't effective at helping your partner achieve their highest goals. If you think about it, you are sculpting away the flaws in your partner to help them develop their own dreams, aspirations and other traits they hope to learn. For example, if your wife wants to go back to school, you sculpt her so she can be a better organizer and task completer. You find out what it is you can do to make going back to school easier for her. If it means you pick up the kids, make dinner, and help the kids with their homework, you do that while telling her how great she is doing in school. Telling her how wonderful she's doing can help her keep up with everything, including her homework. You help your partner see how skilled she is so she won't feel the stress and become overwhelmed. The more confident she becomes, the more she will feel in control.

Tips in learning how to sculpt

1. Find out what your partner's dreams and/or aspirations are. Trying to make the person into someone you want, and not someone they want to be, is called controlling, not sculpting.

2. When you find out which areas your partner wants to be stronger in, or the areas in which they feel the most vulnerable, ask them how they see you being able to help (you are asking for guidance here).

3. When your partner says something or presents a situation where you see they need a little help, you encourage them by reminding them of another time when they were able to do this. For example, if your partner usually forgets names at a party, and they feel badly about this, the next time you go to a party with them, say the person's name for your partner. Then when your partner meets this person and can say their name, you give them a little hug and say something like "You are so good with people." You don't remind them of how you helped them. Your partner begins to build more confidence with this and doesn't get as anxious about it at the next party.

The idea behind sculpting is that you do this for a long time. The craft of sculpting takes years of chipping away to encourage your partner to become their true self. The difficulty with sculpting is that it must be done without trying to make the person change to make you happier. Sculpting someone (chipping away at them) to change something you don't like is called "nagging." It usually causes food addiction, alcohol addiction and/or divorce.