We all suffer from some version of the same story. Why we do it more at Holidays I don't understand. Is it the stress of shopping? The stress of us being all together for extended periods of time? The stress of "newness with our dates"? According to Elizabeth Scott M.S. there are five basic types of fights we have during this time of year. Although people come in with many of these problems throughout the year, the holidays have a way of bringing every one of them out in a short period of time. . The problems are as universal as the Holidays themselves, but the solutions are not. The tips offered may work for some of you, but for other’s you may benefit from more personalized counseling.
1. Couples either fight about being abandoned at a party or they fight for more space feeling like you are territorial or clingy. This is a complicated problem, because we all have different needs. When you are at a party where you know people you may leave your partner (actually that means you are secure and don't need to hang on to each other). If on the other hand you don't know anyone at a party and your partner does, you may follow them or "cling "to them. You may personally find this distasteful, and due to this feeling you avoid these sorts of parties. The problem is that your partner may like you clinging to them and following them. They may become upset if you begin boycotting their parties just because you aren't comfortable with how you feel. Possible Solution: Talk to your partner prior to going to the party. Make some sort of a "shared signal" so your partner will know you are feeling "alone or abandoned". When they see the signal they can come “rescue you. This way you won’t have to feel clingy and they won’t have to risk feeling like you are monitoring their every move. Many couples opt for taking their own car to the party. This can be a good idea if couples are secure and not threatened by being alone or leaving their partner alone.
2. Couples become upset with how their spouse acts around their family. Do you feel like your husband becomes a little boy again? Or does your wife go into telling her family how "bad you treat her?" Does your spouse change political views, or morals just to be accepted by their parents? These issues and many like them present over 50% of all arguments during the holidays. No wonder, families are together sharing meals, beds, and rooms. The tension is so thick sometimes you can cut it with a knife. Possible Solution: Have a talk to your spouse before you go, and tell them what you notice in regards to their change. Sometimes we are not aware of this change, and when it is pointed out to us we become more conscious of it. Also, tell your spouse how it makes you feel if they criticize you in front of your family or theirs. Usually (hopefully) if spouses know what you are sensitive to, they will not repeat the behaviors that hurt you.
3. Whose parents do you visit for the Holidays? One spouse may be resentful because they feel like you always go to your families. The other spouse may have issues with their family and want to spend the holidays with just you and the kids. Possible Solution: It is wisest to take turns. No one likes to go to the in-laws every year. Alternating families adds excitement, and also a sense of how much your family means to you. It also helps you understand your spouse a little bit more when you spend time with his or her family.
4. One spouse feels angry because they have the responsibility of doing all of the shopping. This spouse thinks it is unfair that they have to buy for their family as well as yours. They want you to buy for your own mom and dad. How did they get stuck with this task anyway? Possible Solution: Make a list as a couple together. You can do all of your shopping on line together, or set a date to go shopping with or without each other. When you establish a list, divide it in half and each of you gets the person on your list a gift. This can be fun! If you stay at home ad order on line put music on, drink hot cider and shop (ordering on line is more efficient and you don't have to fight the crowds). If you each decide to shop on your own, make a date for a lunch together, or stop at a wine bar you have been waiting to try at the end of the day. Make it a romantic outing.
5. Couples feel not appreciated when that they never receive the gift they wanted. Possible Solution: Ladies, if you are thinking Santa's magic is going to make your husband a mind reader at this time of year (when it hasn't happened before) you are sadly mistaken. Tell your spouse directly what you want, or better yet, make him a wish list. This will help you get what you want, and it will make your spouse happy that they were able to please you.
The holidays are a time when everyone is focused on good will toward all. Sitting down and communicating with your spouse before the holidays can help make this a peaceful and wonderful experience for the whole family. Small children love the excitement of the holidays, but they love mom and dad to be happy most of all.
MJo
