I work with people who have struggled with morbid obesity most of their lives. Many of these people have never gone to a prom or a homecoming dance. When I talk with them, they have memories of not joining clubs, not being chosen for class activities and feeling criticized by their family and peers. It is no wonder that they struggle with dating as they lose the weight. They are unsure of themselves, and although many of them have had success in careers, dating scares them to death.

I begin helping these patients build their own sense of self. When you have struggled with obesity, this can be an arduous task. Our society is prejudiced with obese people and, for the most part, they get labeled with being lazy, lacking will power, and not being smart enough. Building up their confidence correlates with watching their bodies transform as they lose weight. Many of the people who get weight loss surgery lose weight so quickly that they are stuck in the “obese mindset” even though their body is normal weight. It can be years before their head catches up to their “new” thinner body. Teaching charisma to people is one way they can build confidence and feel more secure on the dating scene.

Charisma is something anyone can learn, and it exudes a confidence that makes people walk toward you rather than away. It is about being able to relax in your own skin and feel comfortable with being you. You can achieve charisma by being brought into the world by loving parents and having a receptive, supportive extended family. Many people don't have that. If you struggle with obesity throughout your life, it is likely society has not embraced you. If you feel ready to date, but aren't comfortable with a person focusing on you, then these quick tips may help. Building charisma not only helps you with dating, but it may help you get your dream job too.

Quick tips for building charisma:

1. Relax. People are drawn to others who manage to be calm in their surroundings, as well as their own body. When we are around anxious people, we often find ourselves getting more anxious. On a date or at an interview, remember to take your time answering questions and focus on listening to the other person.
2. Focus on thinking of yourself as a “peer.” Many people who struggle with weight become judgmental of others. This is a survival mechanism for them. They look at others as possible people who can (and many times do) hurt their feelings. If you are going to be charismatic, you need to stop this. You need to begin seeing yourself as everyone's peer and possible helper. You can achieve this by telling yourself that you are here for this person and for a purpose. This will help you get out of your fear, and more into focusing on what the other person is saying.
3. Sit up straight, the idea is not to blend, but to make a point. When people struggle with obesity, they want to blend in so they aren't noticed. Charismatic people are noticed, and you will be too when you improve your posture. Sitting up straight in a chair or walking with your shoulders back will accentuate your weight loss and also make you feel more confident.
4. Be true to what you think. Your job is not to agree with others so you won't be noticed or ridiculed. Your job or self-purpose is to be true to yourself. Others are attracted to people who stand up for what they believe while tolerating other's ideas. Many times, obese people I work with are lost in their beliefs. They never felt it was okay to say what they wanted. It's okay and I encourage you to speak your mind.
5. If your weight loss is relatively new and you want to practice online dating or applying for a new job, I suggest you have someone close to you write your profile. Your profile reflects whether or not you feel good about yourself. People that read it, judge it. It's difficult to be enthusiastic about “YOU” if you don't feel good about “YOU.” Until you are feeling comfortable and healthy about you, let someone else help promote you.

One of the most exciting parts of my job is seeing the transformation of people as they lose weight and gain confidence and charisma. It is scary for them, and yet the joy they experience when they see all aspects of themselves that were hidden under the obesity is incredible. I am not sure how obesity begins, or is kept in place, but I am sure the elation of knowing one's self and feeling comfortable in that self is one of the most important passages we can make.