One of the first flaws most noted in a marriage is the fact that the couple is no longer being kind to one another. They begin arguing, assuming the worse, and often times becoming critical of each other. Researchers found it odd that couples can be arguing in a grocery store and then suddenly become friendly again at the cashier. Once the couple grab their bags and head for the door they begin arguing again. What's going on? When did we turn our best friend and mate into our enemy and begin treating them disrespectfully? Is it our stress at work, our unhappiness with our lives or ambitions, or is it less efficient to be kind in this hurried life?

Being unkind to your partner is damaging for your partner, your children, and you. It creates stress which leads to physical and emotional problems. Being kind is acting in a compassionate and respectful way toward your partner. Research shows that couples who are kind to one another are healthier and their relationships are more successful. Reading the news about teens beating up other teens is a sure sign that it is time to bring kindness back into your home. The way to begin kindness training is through a process called “positive perspective.” The first rule of teaching positive perspective is to change the way you think, that is, begin to act positive and assume the best intentions. For example, if you ask your spouse to record Monday night football for you and they don't, instead of attacking them with “you never” or “you should,” try saying, “I know how busy you are. Thanks for all the things you have done to make our home happy and for doing such a great job with the kids.”

When you change your thoughts you change your words and, therefore, set up an environment of peace and kindness. The old assumptions were all about you (she doesn't want me to watch football) and what you wanted. It's okay not to get your way; kindness is more important. The greatest thing is kindness creates kindness because it is contagious.

Simple tips for creating positive regard in your marriage and your home:

• Say please and thank you to your spouse. A man actually told his wife in my office that he shouldn't have to say please or thank you to her or the kids. Why not? What part about being married makes you exempt from being kind?
• 
  Ask for help in a polite manner. No one wants to be ordered around, especially your spouse. Asking for help validates your partner that you still look to them for help. Being needed is important to each and every one of us.
• 
  When your spouse does something for you, above and beyond the call, make sure they know they are appreciated. When your spouse does something for you, don't exclaim that they should have done it a long time ago or make reference to someone else's mate who is more efficient. This does nothing to create positive perspective and builds resentment instead (resentment does not exist with kindness).

We all are human and we all have bad days when we aren't kind. This is to be expected, but if you can change your arguing and disrespect of your spouse in front of a cashier (someone you don't know), you can change it in your home. If you can change it in your home, both your marriage and you will be healthier and happier. What is stopping you? What makes the fighting or arguing more worthwhile than a home with kindness?

In the spirit of this Holy Week, please be kind to your partner. All peace begins in the home!!! Mjo

I read, with interest, the story about Donna Simpson who is already weighing in at 600 pounds and wants to gain to 1,000 pounds to achieve her goal of being the fattest woman in the world for the Guinness World Record (she already holds the title for being the fattest mother after giving birth in 2007). Ms. Simpson is consuming 12,000 calories per day (normal caloric intake for a woman her age is 1,500 to 2,000 calories per day), and taking her toll on taxpayer dollars, as she can only walk 20 feet and has other health issues. How does she make her money? Perhaps this is the sickest part. She has a website where men pay to watch her eat. Ms. Simpson has a boyfriend who encourages this behavior, and he weighs in at a slight 150 pounds. When asked why he does this he reports, “I know where she is and I love to watch her eat.” Her boyfriend suffers from insecurity and control issues among other things.

This story is extreme and it saddens me, but it happens on a smaller scale with overweight patients I counsel about their eating behaviors and lifestyles. Many of my patients report that their weight loss attempts are being sabotaged by their spouses. How could someone who harps at you to lose weight and tells you they don't desire you when you are overweight, be the main contributor to your weight problem? It happens over time, and it happens because even though you are overweight and your partner may not like it, they derive a sense of security with you not changing. There is also a fear that as you lose weight you may become more sexually appealing, and your spouse may worry that you will cheat. Your spouse may not like their own body, and if you change yours they may become threatened that you won't desire them. There are many reasons your spouse may want to cook you dinner with extra butter, or discourage you from going to the gym, and possibly withdraw love if you become too thin. The important aspect of sabotage is to become aware it is happening and not get drawn into it. Sabotage may look like this:

• Your partner may begin to tell you that you look sick or pale when you lose weight. They may focus on your health and try to make you feel panic or concern.
• They may begin to say in front of you to friends, “My wife or husband has abandoned me.” Or they may say, “My husband/wife won't eat with me anymore, and they have changed since they lost weight.” This is the tactic of love being equal to food and may contribute to the weight problem you are struggling with currently. Love has nothing to do with food. One is fuel, one is an emotion.
• They may make a special meal for you, full of fat and not on your meal plan, and then pout if you don't eat it. This is a control issue, it is best to acknowledge the effort that went into making it, and suggest you take the meal or “special cake” to work for your friends to see what a thoughtful spouse you have.

The best way to thwart sabotaging behavior from your spouse is to sit down with them and talk to them openly and honestly before you begin the lifestyle change. Tell them you are unhappy at your current weight, that you are concerned about your health, and with the appearance of your body. Tell them you need their support and help with this transition, because you love them and you want to stay healthy to be a better partner to them. Then have a list of suggestions to give them that will help you stay on track with your lifestyle changes. You may need to reassure them that no matter how you look you will always love them most. Even secure partners need to hear this once in awhile.

Suggestions for the partner of someone trying to lose weight and to change their lifestyle:

• Offer to take a walk or go to the gym with your partner. This means a lot. The gym can become the place the two of you go to get away from the kids, and it can become your “date night.”
• If you become frightened with your partner's success, just say it. Tell them you are feeling jealous. They will understand, and most likely it will flatter them, and they will love you more for your honesty.
• When you go to the grocery store do not bring home your partner's trigger foods. Instead, save that money in a jar. Tell your partner that as soon as they lose the weight they want, the two of you will go on a vacation. Tell them the money came from what was usually used on junk food.

Losing weight and making changes with your lifestyle is extremely difficult. It can be made twice as difficult with a sabotaging spouse or twice as easy with a supportive spouse. Make sure you discover which of those you are married to. It is never too late to change.

Body image is a broad term and encompasses these main points:

• How important our physical appearance is to us (the less the woman identifies with her interests and intelligence, the more difficult aging will be for her).
• How we see our “real bodies” as compared to when we look in the mirror, touch ourselves, smell ourselves, exercise ourselves, etc. (Obesity is largely a disease of addiction. Addicts are in denial. Many of my obese patients have never looked at their body from the neck down).
• How we feel others perceive us (the patients that grew up in critical families or suffered abuse are more sensitive to how others judge them).
• How we compare to others' bodies and then how we judge that.

We are not born with a body image. We learn it by the people who surround us. It is also determined by the society we are born into as well as what is valued at the time. Look at the media, magazines, store windows, television, the Internet and commercials. What do you think is the current body image projected for women?

Body image may impact our sexuality in unexpected ways. A study done examining body image and risky sexual practices found that men who had a positive body image took more risks with unhealthy sexual practices, whereas women who had a positive body image took less risks with unhealthy sexual practices.

Beginning in the 1960s, feminists began to educate women more to touch themselves and to satisfy themselves sexually. They were also encouraged to teach their husbands how to touch them and satisfy them. This had a huge impact on women's body images, and the many books that followed also made women feel better and more powerful in regards to their bodies.

The study of body image and sexuality is complicated as many women may be shy and inhibited in public, but not in the privacy of their room. Body image is subjective, and therefore, women may find sex enjoyable once they begin having sex, and feel secure about their ability to orgasm while still saying they “hate” their bodies. Bariatric Times 2007 reported that women who feel obese noted a decline in their sexual libido and also felt embarrassed in regards to their bodies and the way they look while having sex.

A study appearing in the current issue of The Journal of Sex Research, lead by Dr. Patricia Koch, surveyed heterosexual Caucasian women, 21% of whom said they were pre-menopausal, 63% said they were undergoing some menopausal changes (perimenopausal) and 16% were post-menopausal.

The results showed that, regardless of the woman's age or menopausal status, she was more likely to consider herself more attractive when she was 10 years younger. Nearly 21% of the respondents could not think of even one attractive feature, and reported an overall sense of dissatisfaction with their bodies. The survey participants were most dissatisfied with their stomach, hips, thighs and legs - the parts of the body that gain weight with age. The researchers contend that the Western World's infatuation with youthful slender bodies creates anxiety about aging, and pressure for older women to disguise what are otherwise normal changes.

Most interestingly, the more a woman perceived herself as less attractive, the more likely she was to report a decline in sexual desire or activity. Nearly 70% of the women reported one or more changes in their sexual response, usually desiring sex less and engaging in sex less often. Encouragingly, despite these changes in desire, the women reported that when they did have sex, there was a high level of enjoyment.

Below are some common feelings reported to me during counseling, by women who feel bad about their bodies, in regard for their desire to have sex.

• “I feel fat. I feel like my tummy sticks out and it isn't attractive. My husband tells me he loves me anyway, but I don't love me.”
• “If my legs were thinner, I would feel sexier. My legs use to be long and slender. Now I notice edema in the evenings. No one else can notice it, but I know it is there.”
• One patient told me, “My husband has never seen me naked.” I asked, “Never? How long have you been married?” She replied, “22 years.”
• “My skin is so dried out. It doesn't look the same. When I am lying on my back it is better, so I refuse other positions because I know how it looks when it sags.”
• “I haven't looked at myself naked in over 12 years.”

Tips to help women enjoy their sexuality as they age:

1. Viagra vs. women's libido medication. What comes first, the chicken or the egg? If the relationship is part of the problem, this could be medicating the perfect storm. Maybe, instead of hormones, we should consider addressing body image, insecurity and the lack of confidence.
2. Women should be encouraged to go naked in the privacy of their homes. The more women are comfortable with their nude bodies, looking at them, and touching them, the more they will begin to “normalize” unrealistic expectations.
3. Encourage celebrities, by making a conscious effort to write to the editors, to look more real. Celebrities, such as Jamie Lee Curtis and Oprah, have helped inspire what women look like in their 50s and beyond. Dove commercials are attempting to show what “normal bodies” look like.
4. Try yoga and other sports. The more women engage in sports, the more body awareness they experience. This translates into more confidence in their bodies.
5. Women should talk about their relationships. Do they feel comfortable with their partner? Do they feel free to be who they want to be? More than 40% of obese women have been sexually abused. This is a huge libido killer and destroys their body image.
6. Women should understand the importance of masturbation and self- touching. It is impossible to communicate with your partner what you like if you don't know what you like. There is nothing shameful in masturbating, and if women hear their health care provider encourage it, many times this helps give them permission.
7. Infidelity kills body image, self-esteem, and confidence (especially in mid-life). Just as body image was taught to you as a child, it can be re-taught, practiced and learned as an adult.
8. Experiment with your sex life. Different rooms, different lotions, sex toys, and talking to your partner about spicing up your sex life.
9. Many issues with body image and sexuality can be solved between couples. Talk to your mate for 15 minutes of total “tech free” time in regards to your relationship.

Studies show that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. There are many reasons for this, but one of the main culprits is that when things change in the relationship (such as having children) couples forget to adjust and prioritize. Your marriage has to take top priority if you want it to withstand the test of children. When you have children you must let go of the concept of having everything planned. Learn to take advantage of spontaneous times, such as naptime. This is a perfect time to leave the dishes in the sink or the dirty laundry. Instead, grab your spouse and make the most of your extra moments.

3 Reasons Intimacy Dies After Children

• It is difficult for women to value their role as a lover as much as being a mother. Making this transition is very difficult. Society values motherhood much more than they do a wife or a lover. One thing you can do to ease this transition is to be careful not to call your partner "daddy" or "mommy." Call them by the same name or pet name you always did. Once you begin to label your spouse as mommy or daddy it is difficult for you to think of them as your lover, and you begin to value their parent role more than their role as your lover or spouse.
• The routine of being a parent can get in the way of spending time with your spouse. When you have a child you begin to work together and most of your day (and night) is consumed with the kids. Soon sex and intimacy may become routine—done in the same room, the same way, or both people are too exhausted to have sex. Try making love in a different room or at a different time when the kids are out of the house. Call your spouse at work and surprise them once in awhile by flirting again.  Date night has to be on your calendar once a week, and try to have at least one weekend away every 4 to 6 weeks.
• Couples tend to forget how special their spouse is to them, and taking each other for granted happens to most couples. You don't need to get stuck here though. When you find yourself taking the other spouse for granted it's time to recognize it and do something about it—a favorite meal, dessert, or a kiss when you come home with a simple, "what would I do without you?"  This makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Don't wait to get that special treatment, rather, focus on giving it.

Life is about balance and many couples become panicked when they feel like they are losing the intimacy in their marriage. The most wonderful aspect of this it that it is POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK! Life presents many occasions in our lives where we are out of balance. Don't scare yourself if you haven't had sex for a couple of weeks. Simply sit down with your partner and identify steps you can each take to get it back. Divorce is almost 100% avoidable, but it does take awareness and action on your part. Below are a few more tips to help you get your intimacy back on track.

• Make the bedroom your haven. I know when your little cherub comes in at night and says they had a bad dream and asks if they can sleep with you it is easier to let them crawl in—but don't. That night will turn into every night. Pick them up, comfort them, and take them back to bed. Tell them you are keeping everything safe and no one will hurt them. Promise them you will check on them later to make sure they are okay.
• Babysitting does not have to cost money. Talk with your friends and begin taking turns babysitting. This prevents you from paying a sitter for your date night and secures another mom or dad that you can trust. If you cannot do this then talk to your parents or siblings to see if they would be willing to babysit once a week so you can go out for that crucial date night.
• Talk about your sex life with your partner; it's important to have a plan. Make sure you schedule sex on a specific night. Preparing for sex can be so much fun and gives both people something to look forward to. Couples who schedule sex have more sex. Couples who have more sex want more sex.
• Take your time with foreplay. Foreplay should begin before anything else; it is "before-play."  If you have date nights planned beginning at 8p.m., then get the sitter or take the kids to Grandma's at 7p.m. to have that time for yourself to get in the mood to feel sexy and transition from your mom/dad role.

For a long while we have told ourselves myths that children do okay in a mediocre marriage between their parents. But now we know kids thrive and do better when their mom and dad maintain their own love separate from the kids. Nourishing your marriage is the BEST THING you can do for your children.

Men and women handle stress and depression differently (both take a greater toll on men as compared to women). The recession made 2009 a difficult year and it is looking bleak so far in 2010 for many Americans. Recent statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics might indicate as much. The BLS recently released statistics showing that men held 78 percent of jobs lost during the recession, and that women's wages have risen by 1.2 percent more than men's over the past two years.

These numbers have some calling the recent recession a "mancession," while others point out that these numbers could be interpreted in a variety of ways. For example, men may have lost more jobs because many of the jobs that have been cut were in the manufacturing and construction industries. And women's wages may have risen at a faster rate, but most women are still making less than the men doing the same jobs as them. For many men, being able to talk about their feelings of vulnerability or sadness is impossible. Women, on the other hand, are comfortable talking about the stress they feel. Women are "allowed" to cry and find comfort talking to other women about how they feel. Men relate more by being competitive and focused with each other. Very seldom will they tell a buddy how they feel. Because of that stigma, many men keep their emotions hidden, and as a result can't handle the recession stress quite as well as their female counterparts.

Women are used to doing most of the household chores. Along with that comes an understanding that life goes on. Sammy still needs money to buy Popsicles at lunch and Kim needs her uniform washed before practice in the morning. Men, on the other hand, because they generally aren't worrying about all of these other factors at home, can get bogged down in the negatives they have to deal with at work. Men are more defined by their careers, and when work isn't going well it is easier for many men to feel like they aren’t doing well. Their focus on their work leaves them unbalanced during times of job insecurity.

Women are more secure in their outside network than men. They have more clubs, groups, and associations in which to belong and network. Men have a tendency to spend less time with groups or networking. They go it alone more frequently than women, so when they are troubled or worried they are less apt to share with other men who could potentially help them with encouragement and advice.

Women have always been paid less for our work than men. There is strength in that during a recession. We understand that we may have to be more flexible or improvise. Women are resourceful because they have had to be (it wasn't that long ago when we couldn't even vote!). Men, due to their history of being the breadwinner, feel like failures if they have to step down, or take a less than deserved shift. Their ability to be flexible in the work place is not as developed as a woman's. Everyone knows an oak tree suffers more damage in a storm than a willow.

Men experience feelings of anger two times the rate as women when they lose their job. The emotion most likely to affect the heart, blood pressure, and overall health in a negative way is anger. Men are more likely to turn to violence when they are angry. Women, on the other hand, turn more frequently to crying, which is actually healthy for the body.Part of being married is watching your spouse and trying to encourage and help them when they are down. Below are signs and symptoms to pay attention to if you your spouse behaving this way more frequently.

Signs and symptoms of a spouse who is suffering from stress related job loss or job insecurity:

• Performing less well at work
• Unusually quiet, unable to talk about things
• Worrying about things more than usual
• More irritable than usual
• Complaining more about vague physical problems

Severe signs of stress and depression (take note especially if these have been going on for more than two weeks):

• Feeling sad or unhappy
• High levels of anxiety
• Low energy
• Difficulties concentrating
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Losing interest in activities or people
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of sex drive
• Lapses in personal hygiene, such as not bathing or shaving as regularly
• Thoughts of suicide (call 911 when and if you ever feel this way)

As I write this, it is important to note that men are almost 3 times more likely to kill themselves than women. Suicide is most common amongst men who are separated, widowed, or divorced, and is more common with men who are heavy drinkers. Over the last few years, men have become more likely to kill themselves, particularly those between the ages of 16 and 24 years, and those between 39 and 54 years. No one knows why this is so, but it is very troubling. If you notice the man in your life becoming more and more despondent or withdrawn, and avoiding the things that used to bring him joy, it is time to consult a doctor. The recession will run its course, but stress and depression can end your life.

I watched Tiger Woods' apology about his treatment for sexual addiction on national television. Watched and listened along with millions of others to the words that are so frequently said when someone is in rehab. "I have ruined my life and it is my own fault. I need to ask your forgiveness, and I need to make amends for the pain I have caused you."

I run a food addiction group at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas, and work with sexual addictions in my private practice. One thing I know for sure, an addiction is an addiction and it makes little difference what the drug of choice is. Lives are ruined with all addictions and anyone who loves the addicted person is hurt over and over again. The addict is on a slow spiral downward and cannot get well until they decide they have had enough.

What makes addictions so difficult to treat, whether they are food, sex or drugs, is the denial that keeps them in place. The addict cannot see clearly and they are no longer the person you loved, were married to, or birthed. They are addicted, and the drug has full control over their personality. They will steal, lie, cheat, and care nothing about what you think. They are totally self-absorbed toward getting the next fix. Forget it if you think you are helping them by covering for them when they are too depressed or hung over to go to work. If and when that happens, you have become part of the problem. When an overeater wants to celebrate at their favorite restaurant and you take them and eat with them, you are part of the addiction. When a friend wants to meet up with a date in a new town and you keep it a secret from everyone, knowing this friend has had many other lovers you are part of the addiction. Tiger's handlers who didn't hold him accountable and didn't stand up to him became enablers of his addiction. He may need to reconsider who he hires, and tell them up front that they need to be firm in what is acceptable and what is not.

The three teachings that Tiger already learned, and that I teach in the food addiction group, as well as with my sex addicted patients, are:

I am so proud and honored to do my weekly segments on Fox 26 Morning News. Our recent segment called, "Classmates with Cancer" has won  the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category! Congratulations to Fox 26! I am so proud to be a part of this.

Click here to view the video "Classmates with Cancer."

If you say "we" rather than "me" or "I" in your marriage, you are more likely to have a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. A new study from the University of California suggests that the more a couple sees and refers to themselves as a team using pronouns such as "we" or "us," the happier they are in their marriage.

The study analyzed 154 middle-aged and older married couples talking about arguments and/or disagreements they had. When the conversations were more frequent with "we words," there was less physical stress noted between the couple. They were also much more satisfied with their marriage than their "I" and/or "me" counterparts. Pronouns that depict more separateness also correlated more highly to unhappy marriages, especially with older couples. There were more "we" couple statements in the older group as compared to the middle-aged group. The study suggests that the older the couple, the more they have shared together, and there is possibly a greater shared identity.

How can you learn to incorporate more "we-ness" into your relationship to achieve the benefits that "me-ness" doesn't afford you? For starters, it may be good to practice changing your pronouns, especially in front of your partner. It appears that using "we' instead of "me" is a bit contagious. It also makes your partner feel more secure and willing to work toward a common goal.

More tips to change from "me" to "we"

• Purchase his and her towel sets. This helps each partner see themselves as part of the marriage. In fact, share everything you can (including a bank account).
• Ask your partner's opinion on joint purchases for the home. This makes your partner feel valued as being part of the couple. Ask their opinion in regard to clothes you buy as well as your hairstyle, shoes, etc.
• When talking to your parents on the phone, refer to your activities as "we," describing what you and your partner did over the weekend, or where you and your partner are going to vacation this year. These small changes make your partner feel like they are a part of your life.
• When you send a gift to your family or friends, always sign the card with both of your names, or write "we miss you" or "we love you." The more you use "we," even when your partner is not around, the more you begin seeing yourself as part of this team. It becomes more ingrained in your thoughts. You begin viewing yourself and your partner as emotionally close.
• When you sign a card to your spouse, always put "your husband" or "your wife."
• Share your visions and dreams by saying, "I see US doing this someday," or "I hope WE can accomplish this goal."

This study shows how small changes in a couple's communication or a change in their semantics can actually affect their long term outcome as a couple. It may be wise to note how you feel when your spouse says, "I want to do this," versus "we want to do this." Chances are high that you will feel more connected and receptive to the activity if you hear we instead of me!  

It was a great honor for me to participate yesterday in an amazing discussion about near death experiences during my weekly hour on Fox 26 in Houston. 

In case you missed it, here are the links to the segments:

Dr. Jeffery Long

My Segment

Dr. Dominic Aquila (Catholic Theologian)

Every day I get a new marital journal in the mail. Every day it says the same thing (which research supports). Couples who decide to stick it out in a marriage not going so well end up being happy in the long run (this does not include abusive relationships). The key to these results is you have to work at it. Sticking it out can be tough, and divorcing, although not an easy option, is an immediate solution (to at least one problem). The toughest part of sticking it out is that most people who struggle in their marriage don't have the skills they need to pull the relationship out of a downward spiral.

Another very clear problem is that couples don't have a lot of mentors who can help support and guide them through the rough times. Many people don't belong to a church or feel accepted by one, the families live far away, and the media makes it appear that if you don't get all of your needs met in a marriage, it is doomed. The magazines and TV make it appear that everyone should be married to someone beautiful and totally enamored by us all the time. Perhaps this explains the constant switching of partners with actors, and celebrities. We see couples walking hand in hand with their perfect dog and perfect baby and we begin to believe our marriage is not good enough as compared to theirs.

I believe marriage is the greatest institution on earth. I took, and still take, my vows seriously, and I have gone over in my own mind what they mean when I hit a rough patch in my own marriage. I also believe that marriage is disrespected by many people and taken advantage of. However, at the end of the day, most of my clients want to be married, are trying to find someone to marry, or are hurting from a loss of their marriage. This makes it very powerful to me, and is one of the reasons I like reading Scott Haltzman's work. Haltzman wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." He also wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less."

Haltzman believes if your relationship is going badly it may be due to the fact that you have set your expectations too high. I see this frequently because couples who become critical of each other usually have an underlying thought that this person (spouse) should make them happy. They forget that they too must nurture their relationships. For example, the economy has put a strain on most families. Families want nice things, the cell phones, the flat screen TV's, the nicest computers and iPhones. You cannot have these things unless you work long hours. Working long hours takes away from the relationship. Couples don't understand the need to communicate these frustrations. "How can we have nice things and still have enough time for us?" Usually due to the lack of talking about it and negotiating they become withdrawn, critical of their partner, and angry at themselves because they aren't happy. This gets projected into the marriage, and instead of working on their relationship to solve this issue they blame the marriage. "It must be you and me. We shouldn't have gotten married." It has nothing to do with the marriage. It has to do with sitting down and talking about it.

Most of the problems that are worked out in my office are due to one thing and one thing only. Each partner begins to listen to the other one and doesn't judge their partner (in my office it is easy, as that is one of my first rules and I am the coach). I have watched partners bite their tongue while sitting on my sofa so they would not throw a judgment in. You can learn this skill no matter how long you have been married and nothing will begin to restore your "messy marriage" as quickly as this one skill. I have listed three other quick skills you can begin to practice today.

1. I statements. When you are talking to your partner begin to use "I." In other words, you don't say, "YOU always do this, or YOU never do that." You say, "I feel (worthless, unloved, and sad) when you say that." This makes your partner feel less blamed, less defensive, and it gives you ownership into owning your own feelings. In the real world, your partner cannot make you feel anything. You choose to feel the way you do when certain things are said. It isn't right or wrong. It just is.
2. Sit down and look at your partner at least 15 minutes each day. Take the challenge. How many of you turn off all communication and just look at your partner every day for 15 minutes and visit?
3. Do one fun thing with your partner each week. Something you both enjoy like dinner, a bath, playing tennis or golf, going for a run. All of these and many more are good options.

If we can better our marriages, we can better our children, their education, and our society at large. Your marriage matters. Keep it strong. Keep it healthy.