Every human tells lies and they lie to save themselves. Unless you are being tortured or threatened that someone will take your life or someone’s life you love, lies are a way to help us feel less guilty, less embarrassed, less responsible for what we did, or vindicated for what we failed to do. When someone is lying to you there is only one person who should be defensive or worried, and that’s the liar. If you are receiving the lie then stepping back, being curious, and detaching are important so you don’t become the person who is out of control. The worst thing about being lied to is the voice you hear loudly inside telling you that you are being lied to, and the person lying to you thinks you don’t know. It’s humiliating, confusing, and because of the feelings you feel, you may go along with the lie just to avoid the upheaval of dissecting and resolving the lie.

Going along with the lie the liar told is much different than believing the lie. In fact, many couples that come to see me have relationship issues that are the result of having a “lie” shared between the two of them. These lies can be the manifestation of many different issues the liar tried to cover up, but most of the time the lie is about a previous relationship of one of the partners that wasn’t ever truly resolved. What is most fascinating is that the liar may still be lying with his or her mouth, but their body is telling both their spouse and me the truth. In my own professional opinion, I believe the partner knows their partner is lying to them, but they want me to say it because they cannot bear confronting the lie again. 

A typical lie may look like this…in fact, this is a real question I received from a viewer who asked me what I thought. I could not answer it without seeing the couple, but what do you think? 

Mary Jo, I found out that my husband is still talking to his ex girlfriend online. I confronted him about it and he told me he never replied to her. I was reading all of his messages, and it shows that he does reply back to her. What can I do? Stephanie.

It is obvious this guy is lying to his wife, but many lies are not this blatant. In fact, people go to great lengths to hide their lies, and often it is very difficult to ascertain the truth. In fact, for many couples there is a point where the truth is so distorted and nebulous that they give up on ever hearing the real truth. When the non-lying partner reaches this point they have taken control of the situation. It is here where they can make their wisest decisions going forward. They no longer need the exact truth, because they see their partner for whom and what they are. It is at this point that they can usually tell their partner, “I know you have lied to me, and I forgive you. I cannot forget what you did, but I do recognize that you lied due to a weakness within yourself, and I won’t take responsibility for your weakness.”

Couples ask me if there is such a thing as being married or committed to someone who has never lied. As a professional, I would have to say, “No.” Since everyone lies, I think it is more reasonable to believe you may have been lied to. I also think the wiser choice is to watch what words come out of your own mouth and make them as honest as possible to your partner and anyone else’s life you touch. Making this your practice, you may be able to go to sleep at night and know in your own heart of hearts that you don’t lie. I think I should mention the few times I have heard a spouse say (to their partner and me in my office) that they never lied. Their body was restless and their eyes were darting side to side. My voice inside told me…they’re lying.

To be remembered: There are people who are Pathological Liars. This article does not include them. Pathological Liars have a mental illness much different from the norm and if you are in a relationship with a Pathological Liar your wisest decision would be to flee the situation. If you are married to a Pathological Liar, they need Cognitive Behavioral Counseling and medication to improve their condition.

I was on my run the other day and stopped at the park to get some water. While there I sat on a bench and drank my water, closed my eyes and listened. The happiest sounds in the world are listening to kids as they play: their little voices, screams, imagination, and bargaining with their parents for more time to play. Also, what I heard were a lot of “Mommy was that good?” or “Daddy, see me?” “Did you see that throw?” Mommy and Daddy both responded affirming the good job or the throw their child had naturally thrown. You don’t have to go to the park to hear all of this praise and affirmation that is exchanged between parents and their children. Sometimes, you have to question if it has gone overboard? Are we raising a generation of kids who expect praise for doing nothing?

The overabundance of praise is cultural and society influenced. It wasn’t done as much when I was a kid, or if it was, I don’t remember it happening in my family. Eastern cultures believe too much praise causes kids to grow up into self-serving adults with big egos who are lazy. They may have something there, as more and more young people seem not to have as strong of a work ethic and seem incensed when their boss tells them they have to work for their pay. These are the same kids who grew up getting an allowance just for their existence. The whole idea behind an allowance is to teach a child to manage their money and to instill the concept of working (doing their chores and being supervised by parents) to earn spending money. Like praise, parents are giving it away for free.

Is praise bad for kids? Not really…if it’s done appropriately. For example, research has shown that praising a small toddler for having good manners actually does produce more polite teens. More inappropriate praise is when you praise your child, the little league pitcher, for throwing a good pitch. It’s a natural gift for them, and you shouldn’t praise gifts or natural talents. Praising your superstar little leaguer for being compassionate to another player for a job not well done will be wiser for that child’s future development of having good sportsmanship.

It’s all so confusing for parents. One doctor tells you to praise your kids; your parents may tell you not to. You may have grown up with parents who never praised, so you are determined that your children will be praised. The problem is over praise from your kids’ point of view can make them feel one of two things:  (A) That you feel sorry for them and think they need praise because they are a loser, or (B) That you aren’t really engaged with them because you are praising them for something they already know and they are tuning you out. Here are a few suggestions or guidelines that will help you re-consider before you praise.

1. Be careful praising them for what comes naturally. If you praise your kids for an A in math that comes naturally, your child may end up taking fewer risks and be willing to fail a new challenge less. They will worry you won’t praise them for effort. This can cause anxious, hesitant kids.
2. Be careful praising the kid for what they love to do. This leads to a kid who thinks they must love what they do in order to do it. These kids may grow up thinking life shouldn’t be this hard and are easily defeated when challenged.
3. Using comparisons with other children is going to backfire in your praise. Telling your child that they are better, stronger, or more attractive than someone else makes a child grow up to think in a win/lose mindset and they become very competitive. These children may not seek to understand others; they will seek to win an argument, win a position, or win a relationship.  Don’t forget, no matter who you know or how high you go, getting along with others can make or break you. Teaching your children to be compassionate and polite is more important and more highly correlated to their future happiness and success than promoting comparisons and competitiveness.
4. Praising your child for their attractiveness should be used with caution. As a parent it is easy to get caught in the trap of telling your child how beautiful or handsome they are. When a child is praised for looks they know one thing…that the person who praised them values looks. Media’s focus on beauty, along with societal norms of impressing sexuality on to children puts additional pressure on children to “look pretty.” Your daughter may begin to think she cannot leave the house without her hair and makeup done in junior high.  Encouragement and modest praise when your child is discouraged with their tedious practice schedule to learn a skill or overcome a challenge will help build your child’s self-esteem more than telling them how pretty they are.  

When praising, keep in mind the child’s age and developmental level. If you praise a teen insincerely, they may think you are trying to manipulate them, whereas a toddler may need to hear frequently they did good work, or you liked the colors they chose.  Kids naturally will begin building their own internal confidence if they face a challenge and work well with it. Constantly telling them how great they are, makes them take less risks to try the very challenges that will build their self-esteem. Praise is powerful…use it wisely.

Study after study is shedding light on the perils of dropping out of high school. Besides not being able to make a reasonable living, own your own home, and have a comfortable retirement, you also may never be able to find time to get married. It is projected that within one or two years, less than half of the U.S. adult population will be married. This fact has social implications. The steady decrease in marriage rates is not only changing family values but it is contributing to the family’s economic inequality.

The Pew Research Center reports that in 1960 nearly three-fourths of adults eighteen and older were married. By 2010, that number was down to fifty-one percent. What is perhaps more disturbing is that four out of ten babies are born to unmarried women. In 1960, it made no difference if you were educated or not. Your chances of being married were the same. Now, nearly two-thirds of college graduates are married as compared to less than half of those with a high school diploma or less. The less education you have, the less likely you are to marry, and the more likely you will divorce if you do marry.

What came first? Did couples who weren’t educated choose not to be married because they didn’t want the additional financial burden? Or do people who quit school do so due to their parents’ marital stress they witness as children, leaving them feeling isolated, alone and as if no one cares? Is quitting school at fifteen a better option if they can find a job and get out of a chaotic home? There are so many questions with the Pew Research Center results, and people in the field of saving as well as promoting marriage and healthy families are trying to come up with solutions. It’s imperative that we do something as a society because we know that being raised in a stable, two-parent household is a strong predictor of educational achievement. Taking that one step further, educational achievement does predict your lifetime income.

There is another change that researchers in the field are finding. In our parent’s generation, men and women married down or up at an equal level. Now couples are marrying who share degrees or levels of education. Women are going to college and getting advanced degrees at a higher rate than ever before. The higher educated couples are so much better off financially than the single parents or the couples without education. But couples at the lower end of the economic ladder are having more kids. These kids are growing up with one parent and no money. The cycle is sure to worsen if we don’t do something about it now.

Cohabitation is different among the educated as well. Among the college or advanced degree couples, co-habitation is more likely a stepping-stone after engagement to be married. With the uneducated, co-habitation is often the end of the road. Sometimes they will co-habitat in an effort to save money for a wedding and a residence. However, children may be born into this lifestyle more likely than not and a recent report from Smartmarriages.com reported that three-fourths of children born into co-habitation see their parents split up by the age of twelve. Those are bad odds for kids. Those are bad odds for us as a society. 

There is no one solution to this problem. In a fantasy world, we would mandate that every child finish high school and get some sort of higher education after high school. We would teach boys and girls to focus on their careers, and tutor them as well as their parents if they began falling behind. We would mandate every parent to get an education prior to bringing another baby into the world. But we don’t live in a fantasy world; this complicated problem will require many experts to become involved. As an expert in relationships, I think it all goes back to the parents. Parents have to be parents again. We need to quit thinking the government is more responsible than we are, and we need to quit relying on the government to give us stuff, and begin working toward the betterment of our own lives and the lives of our children. Below are a few suggestions that can begin to help turn the next generation around:

1.     Before you ever have a child, have a secure relationship. Do not have a child in a co-habitation lifestyle. No one benefits.

2.     Before you marry, get pre-marital counseling. It is more worth your money than anything I can think of.

3.     If you are married and have no money, take a few classes at a time (there is free money out there, but you have to talk to the institution about eligibility). Education is the liberator of your situation. Don’t waste your time begging, stealing, or blaming. Put that energy into reading, learning, and writing.

4.     If you grew up with abuse, and you are using that as a reason why you cannot go to school or do better as an adult, it is not going to help you. Abuse is wrong and tragic, and I am sorry it happened, but you don’t need to repeat that cycle. It takes strength, but so does feeling bad all the time and continuing the pain of abuse on to your children.

5.     If your child is having trouble in school, listen to what the teacher says and be willing to work with them. Your child may be the one that breaks the cycle…but they cannot break it without your help and encouragement.

I grew up in a poor family, but poor doesn’t have to mean uneducated. My mother was a teacher and when I was discouraged with what I didn’t have as compared to others, she told me that. I watched both my mother and father work hard, get taken advantage of, and work harder. Their work was a form of prayer for them, and I believe that is how they survived. They did not blame; they felt lucky to be an American. There were problems then, there are problems now, but if we aren’t all part of the solution, we are part of the problem. Taking the time to encourage a kid’s work ethic, or inspiring them through your work with a church, school, or scout program goes a long way in being part of the solution.

"A wife says to her husband (or vice versa), "Do you love me?"
"Of course," he replies. "I've been married to you for twenty years, haven't I?"
How satisfied would we be if we presented someone with a vintage wine and, upon asking his opinion of it, he replied, "I'm drinking it, aren't I?"
Love still needs expression between those who share it."-Leo Buscaglia

Within the first two years of your marriage, very important work is being done. Many times, this work is being done without the awareness of one or both partners. A marital style is being created. Couples who don’t understand this or talk about it may develop communication issues that didn’t need to be part of their marriage. Perhaps the scariest notion is that once a marital style is developed, it begins to embrace or erode the marriage.

When a couple is having problems in their marriage and they seek counseling, part of that counselor’s job is to identify the way the couple communicates. In the field of counseling, we understand that no matter what is happening between the couple, if we aren’t able to stabilize the communication style, we won’t be able to help the couple. It is amazing how mindless we all become after two years of marriage. We say things to our partner, and react without contemplating what is being felt by them. One of the reasons therapy is successful is due to the fact that if a moment of pause can be added to the couple’s mode of responding to one another, the derogatory marital style can be re-taped and mended to a style that is more compassionate toward the couple’s needs.

One of the leading psychologists in the field of marital style is Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington. After thirty years of divorce research, she came up with five basic marital styles. What is important to note are the ones that were most likely NOT to end up in divorce. The two that led to the longest, most content marriages are the cohesive marriage and the traditional marriage. Indentifying your style may be the first step in re-taping your communication and saving your marriage.

1.     Cohesive Marriage. This marriage style is one in which the couple doesn’t spend every waking moment together, but they are tightly bonded. These couples often have their own interests, their own careers, but at the end of the day they want to be in each other’s arms. They draw their support and love from each other. They are the gold standard as they make marriage look real. Most people idealize this type of marriage.

2.     Traditional Marriage. This is the marriage your parents may have had. The breadwinner is the guy, and the wife takes on the duties of the home, kids and running the couple’s social life. Although it led to the least divorces in Dr. Hetherington’s thirty-year research study, the individual people may not have been the happiest. This marriage works great if both partners enjoy and embrace their roles. If something changes, such as the wife begins working, this type of marriage may become unstable.

3.     Pursuer/distance marriage. This type of style has many names. Nag-withdraw, or rejection –intrusion pattern. This style is also what romance novels, soaps, and chick flicks commonly use as their running theme. It may be the most romanticized of all the styles, but that’s where the positives end. It is the most likely style to end in divorce. Basically it looks like this. One of the partners wants to talk about an issue. The other partner doesn’t want to discuss it, and withdraws by watching TV, reading, or by using 1000 other excuses. The partner, who wanted to talk about the issue, becomes angry, resentful and sees the avoidance from their partner as a sign that they don’t care. This causes them to become cold, and bitter. The partner who resisted talking about the issue may sense the coldness, but withdraws further to protect themselves. By the time he or she is ready to talk, their partner has gone.

4.     Disengaged Marriage. These couples are symbolic of many of my professional couples. They are so self-sufficient they don’t need each other on a daily basis for emotional support. They lack mutual interests and have many differences in their family backgrounds. They don’t require intimacy to be close. These couples don’t fight much, because you have to be engaged to fight. These couples don’t change their life for marriage. In fact, if they divorce, you don’t see much of a change in them from married or single. Dr. Hetherington notes in her study that these couples are the second most likely to get a divorce.

5.      Operatic Marriage. These marriages are exciting to be around, but not to live in. They have the extreme highs and lows. They have the highest marital sex satisfaction scores because they are emotionally volatile and their quarreling often leads to sex. The problem is, words can wound as easily as a fist in a quarrel and eventually one partner is too wounded and leaves. These couples come in and are easy to identify. One of them will clearly state, “The great sex is no longer worth it.” When I hear that, I see a red flag and discover this marital style exists. It usually begins while dating, and because it feels natural to the couple, it continues into marriage.

This article can be helpful if couples sit down, talk together and identify their style. Don’t blame any one person, as a style is created by the couple’s interaction. In a sense, you are both actors playing your part. If you can be candid with one another to re-create your part, you can save your marriage before you contemplate divorce. “Quitting the play because you don’t like your part is analogous to divorcing your spouse because you didn’t like the script you read. Write the new script together.” 

A wonderful book to begin your New Year and to help your marriage is, “For Better, the Science of a Good Marriage.”   By Tara Parker-Pope

A divorce in the best circumstances should be discussed for a long time before it happens. Seeking counseling, trying new ways to communicate, or a trial separation should all take place before the couple agrees that their marriage is over. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, so joining a support group to help deal with the emotions in the aftermath, as well as counseling and mediation, can all make a divorce less painful for both spouses and their children. Although this is the way it should happen, in reality it usually doesn’t. One of the partners often falls in love with someone else. They feel so strongly that this person is their soul mate that they divorce their spouse, leave their home and their children to begin a new life with this new love. Debating the new love or how it happened, or even considering the marriage may have been dead for years and was just lingering are all possibilities, but the person left still grieves and mourns the end of their marriage.

This is a letter from one of my closest confidantes who is now six months from being the one left behind. This confidante had no idea this was coming their way, nor did they ever expect their marriage to end. This is their latest letter to me and six months have passed since they split.

Good morning, Mary Jo!  I met with my former spouse again last night after several weeks of only short phone conversations and I tried so hard not to let my emotions get out of hand, but I succeeded only partly. No touching on their part, only a brief pat on the shoulder when they left. In between, we discussed some of the legal things which need to be done now, but then I couldn't help but talk again about all the pain and the hurt I still feel inside because of the incomprehensible actions and ask again, "Why?” I long so much for the acknowledgment of my pain, my emotions, and to show some feelings maybe by saying something like, "I'm sorry and I hope you will feel better soon," and giving me a hug. But they refuse any sign of remorse or feeling toward me.  "We talked about this a hundred times already."
I experienced two sleepless nights again. I need my energy to organize my papers for the tax return, for the divorce procedure, and for preparing my move. Instead, I feel sick to my heart and stomach and endlessly tired. I went to the opera last week. I heard a great concert last night after this meeting, but nothing seems to get through to my inner core. Six months have passed and I feel like it was yesterday. My head is still full of questions such as, “Where are they now?” and “What are they doing together?” I have lost so much of my social life, and I am sure the new partner triumphs when they show up at places where I use to stand at their side. Does my partner enjoy sex with the new person more than they did with me? Yes, I am sure they do. I am a prisoner of my thoughts. How will I ever learn to let go of my spouse and my marriage?  Thank you, for listening.

My close confidante is actually right where they should be in the healing process of a divorce they didn’t want. There are a few things though, that may help with emotional healing for the next year and onward.

1.     Make sure you are talking to a counselor to help you navigate your feelings. Venting to your friends, parents, and children is not helpful and can actually isolate you. Children can be emotionally damaged when parents talk badly about an ex, so confide in a counselor and one or two close friends.

2.     Exercise and make it part of your daily life. Exercise helps motivate you when you feel too fatigued to go on, and it also restores your body image. If you cannot exercise by yourself, ask a good friend to walk, run, or go to the gym with you.

3.     Join at least one support group or a like-minded group. This will help you minimize your aloneness and it will also get you out into the community.

4.     Minimize meeting up with your ex as much as possible. The more you engage with your ex, the more difficult it can be moving on.

5.     Continue enjoying the events you used to. You may not “feel” the same enjoyment at the same deep level, but eventually you will.

Going on with a new life you never wanted or chose is painful. More painful yet is being stuck in your life when it really doesn’t feel like yours anymore. Many times, the partner left feels revengeful, and although this is a common feeling (don’t beat yourself up for feeling it), you have to eventually give up on that too. Before you give up on that feeling though, remember…the best revenge is becoming the best version of you. This includes taking care of your emotional/spiritual health, your children’s health, and your physical health. You will make it, even though your heart may be breaking. You are strong, you will survive, and you will continue to grow, change and love again.

I received a viewer question from Fox 26 “Mind, body, soul with Mary Jo” last week. The question is a familiar one that many couples struggle with.

Dear Mary Jo, I married my husband young and have been married almost 4 yrs. We have had many ups and downs. I have just noticed he flirts a lot with other girls. I ask him why and he has no answer. What should I do? I am hurt and confused. Thank you, Diane

Dear Diane, flirting is a way to interact and get attention. I have never known anyone who doesn’t flirt even when they are married. People everywhere dress, talk, laugh, play, and engage, all in an effort to get the attention they need. Babies flirt by flashing a smile or giving direct eye contact. However, when couples get married, sexual flirting is not advised. Sexual flirting is different than the normal, playful flirting the majority of people engage in. My guess is that the sexual flirting in which your husband is participating is the one that has you most upset.

When a marriage has ups and downs it is common for one or both parties to begin feeling unstable. Securing another potential partner is a form of self survival for some. It sounds like your husband is not getting the amount or type of attention he needs to feel secure. When a partner answers a direct question with, “I don’t know,” it means they don’t know (don’t read into it). They may not have given it thought or reflected upon it. He may feel the feelings but not be able to identify the source. If he feels unloved, rather than sitting down and talking to you, he opts for flirting with someone new. What he is most likely seeking is the attention from a woman to feel desired and special.

There is so much in your letter I don’t know, so I am going to try and help you in a broad sense. If you confront him directly and tell him that his behavior makes you feel sad and unloved, it may be enough for him to discontinue using flirting as a way to get attention. However, you will have better success and help the marriage more if you take a look at what you are doing to communicate your love and respect for him. You can begin this by asking yourself questions such as these:

1.     How do I satisfy my need for attention? For example, to meet your need are you reaching out to other men, working longer hours for warm fuzzies, spending more time and emotional intimacy with friends, eating more, drinking more, smoking more, or letting yourself go?

2.     How are you communicating your love and attention to your spouse? Are most of your interactions with him critical, blaming, yelling, cold, rejecting, or loveless?

3.     Does my partner feel rejected by my avoiding intimacy or sex with him? If you don’t know you better ask him.

Once you are able to ascertain the answers to these questions, you can go to him, and tell him you have reflected on some of your feelings lately and have a better understanding of what is going on in the marriage. You can tell him that you have a part also. This will minimize feelings of defensiveness and anger. When you both are able to see your part in this problem, you can begin making changes.

Some people flirt because it is a learning style they learned from their family of origin and they achieve success by using this tactic. In a marriage however, when you suddenly notice flirting, it is a warning sign. See the red flag and before you attack, take a look at your own part in the relationship. It is always easier to project blame onto a partner; however, the marriages with the most contentment are the ones that identify their part in the relationship and work to change the dynamics if it is causing their partner distress. Good luck to you, Diane. I am so glad you value your marriage enough to reach out to me. My readers may be able to offer additional insights with their comments.

My brand is empowering women and the men who love them, so I was naturally drawn to a study published in the Journal of Sex that suggested empowered women have less sex than women who are dominated by men. The study was done at Johns Hopkins University, which is a school that has an outstanding academic record for students and faculty alike. With all studies, it depends where they are done, and in this case the subjects were in Africa. Researchers surveyed women from six African countries and the results showed the more dominant the women (in Africa dominant means they can choose their own shampoo, toothpaste, and shoes), the less physical intimacy they shared with their partners. The study was really testing the decisions that a woman could make on her own instead of asking her husband. The findings showed that more dominant and assertive women had approximately 100 times less sex.

Some women may be discouraged with this news, but I am elated! Research has shown that the more empowered women become, the more cautious they are with engaging in sex.  Men, on the other hand, take more chances and engage in riskier sexual encounters when they feel better about themselves.  In Africa, for women to have sex frequently and submissively is a death sentence. It makes sense that if women feel good about themselves, they will be pickier and decide to use appropriate protection. The HIV prevalence rate in these countries is anywhere from 5% to 14%. In some African nations, it is more likely a woman will have an increased chance of getting HIV after marriage. This is not true in the United States.

Do empowered women have less sex with their husbands in the United States? Like all things, we have to define “empowered.” I describe empowered as being educated, aware, and knowledgeable about your body, emotions, and sexuality. I believe the more that girls/women focus on their interests instead of gaining the security of a boy/man, the more likely they will be able to be a loving, equal partner who can co-lead a family and offer stability within the marriage. Raising children and working at a healthy marriage takes two people. Women who are unsatisfied with their role make their partner’s life miserable. Blaming your partner because you aren’t knowledgeable about your body and what makes it feel good is unfair and irresponsible. Women who feel good about their bodies have better (frequency is not measure of better) sex in their marriage because they feel equal to their partner and understand the health benefits of sex.

Children who grow up with a strong mom who is gentle but also firm, knowledgeable about her body, open to teaching them about theirs, and direct with her expression of feeling (without being insensitive to theirs) grow up respecting women and understanding their value. Many families are lacking these empowered women mentors though, so  how do we teach girls/women to be assertive without being insensitive to others feelings? How do we teach them that they don’t need a boyfriend, but an interest to pursue in life? How do we teach them to understand and know their body so magazine ads and other media sources cannot turn them into women who hate their bodies and feel totally disconnected from them? It begins with teaching them to honor themselves enough and to explore their options. Here are a few other suggestions to help empower women so they can make wise choices with sexual partners.

1.     Quit focusing on abstinence and instead focus on helping girls decide what they want to do with their lives. Empowered girls who feel better about themselves make better choices with securing a partner.

2.     The focus should be on being your best self, not a magazine photo of an airbrushed beauty. I recently did a story on HLN that depicted moms of beauty pageant toddlers now giving their young toddlers “pixie sticks” to eat so they would behave perkier. This is not empowerment, no matter what the moms say.

3.     Focus on how you talk to your daughter’s other parent. Are you disrespectful of him? Moms teach daughters (and sons) how to talk to their dad (and future men). Respect your child’s other parent because empowered women respect men.

4.     Never tell your daughter that she shouldn’t feel the way she does. A feeling is never right or wrong; it just is. Validate her feelings even if you don’t agree…she has a right to how she feels.

Empowering women, daughters, or anyone doesn’t mean you become their best friend. No gender is more or less than the other, as we need both men and women. Empowering women doesn’t mean “de-powering” men.  When you are someone who empowers others, you believe in encouraging, educating, and being a mentor. Empowerment like most things begins at home.

The biggest discrepancy between men and women is the way they look at relationships. Women need a relationship to have sex. Guys need sex to have a relationship. That says everything. Guys could do without the relationship if they just had sex, most of the time. Women think they could do without the sex if they had a great relationship. But…they can’t, nor should they. Women’s ambiguous feelings toward sex and relationships tend to initiate most of the conflict within the relationship and marriage. It’s not that women don’t want sex; it’s simply that they want the relationship more. Guys cannot understand this, and they go to great lengths to try and “trick” the system, but the system is set in place, and the only one who gets tricked is the guy and whoever he is in a relationship with.

Typically, when men marry they feel a sense of accomplishment. They found someone to share their life with, help them face their battles and be their sexual companion. They may want kids, and trust this woman to help raise the children to grow up to be responsible adults. Women want all of this, and more. They want a relationship. They want to share their lives with their partner and feel connected. Women achieve this connection by talking in an intimate setting.

Men talk about this need to talk, and may joke about it, but they really don’t understand the importance of it until they are in their mid forties. Up until that time, it seems unnecessary to many men, and they draw no correlation between their ability to communicate with their wives and the frequency of sex they engage in. They should. Men are making a huge mistake if they tease or belittle this need for closeness that women have. Women cannot fight the need, and the majority of affairs women have are due to their finding another partner who addresses their need for verbal closeness. It’s not right, but it happens, and it happens much more frequently than the men to whom they are married could ever imagine. When men find out their spouse has cheated they are justifiably angry and tell her, “How could you do this to me?” “I gave you everything.” “Anything you wanted, I did for you.” “Why?”

He may have done a lot, given a lot, but he assumed his wife loved him the way he loved her. She didn’t. She wanted a relationship and that was the one thing he could not/did not give her.

Cheating is never an acceptable solution to any problem, but not understanding why cheating occurred makes you more vulnerable to it happening again. If you are a guy, don’t assume that once you marry your emotional work is done. If you are a woman, talk to your partner and tell them directly what you need. They cannot guess, nor should they. If you can’t admit to what you need to feel sexual with them, or connected with them, then seek counseling.  Marriages that express more anger are marriages where sex has been limited or used as a weapon. If you use sex as a way of getting back or hurting your partner, it will backfire on you when you least expect it. How do couples make sure they emotionally connect in a world where both people are working, traveling or have kids to take care of? It’s not that difficult, but the need for an emotional as well as a sexual connection has to be valued. These suggestions will help bring more intimacy into your new year:

1.     Couples who talk about their sex life have a more intimate closeness and engage in sex more frequently. Set aside ten minutes each day to be together, hold hands and talk. One of the biggest problems with sex is talking about it. Suffering in silence is not recommended, nor is blaming or shaming.

2.     If you feel “dead” or “numb” when you make love, that is a problem. Go to your physician and ask for a referral to an Urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. If the feelings are more due to conflict in your relationship, begin with a counselor.

3.     When you notice distance in your relationship, confront it directly. Passively waiting for it to “blow over” is being neglectful of the most important relationship in your life.

4.     No relationship or marriage just ends. There are warning signs. A fever means you are getting sick; withdrawal means someone is unhappy in the relationship.

5.     Frequency of intercourse is a matter of personal preference. As a general rule, once a week is a good place to begin. Many of my patients have gone for a year without sex; this is too long. It isn’t healthy physically or emotionally for either partner. Intercourse is only one type of intimacy; there are unlimited ways to show physical and emotional intimacy.

Many influences in our lives dictate our comfort with our sexuality. Talking about these influences and encouraging your partner to trust you with their feelings are integral parts of a healthy marriage. Feeling ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality and blaming your partner because they enjoy their sexuality is self righteous and demeaning. When one partner is unhappy with the frequency of sex in their marriage, the worst thing you can say is, “I’m going to leave and find it elsewhere.” The best thing you can do as a couple is to address the issue together. Go to the physician and counselor together. Intimacy and sex is the glue that holds a healthy marriage together, but it must include a verbal/emotional connection to enhance the symbolism. After all, meaningless sex is everywhere, hence its name. 

“A good way to change someone’s attitude is to change your own, because the same sun that melts butter hardens clay.” – Unknown

The New Year is a time of transformation in your relationship. You know what didn’t work, and you know what sometimes worked, so it’s time to prepare to get your relationship back on track. We spend a lot of money and time buying our gym memberships and cookbooks to get our body in shape, but we forget our relationship needs a plan too. Your relationship can be neglected in all types of ways. Letting your body go, using food, cigarettes, alcohol or drugs to manage chronic stress all affect how we relate to ourselves as well as our partner. We get bombarded with losing weight ads, new healthy foods to try, as well as new exercise workouts. The best workout for your relationship and the quickest way to feel connected and encouraged in your relationship is to have sex with your partner. Not only that, every cell in your body responds in a positive way when you have sex in a committed, healthy relationship. Couples who have sex are healthier, more connected and less depressed. What drug could offer you all of that and more?

Many women are reluctant to engage in this new “workout” of adding frequent sex to their marriage. The kids, the chores, their busy schedule, as well as their partners has them feeling frazzled and beat down. They no longer feel sexual, or perhaps they feel it is too much work. Statistics support that up to 40% of women lose their libido or struggle with feeling sexual toward their partner. There may be medical as well as self esteem issues causing this problem, but research also suggests that engaging in the act of love making itself can begin to help women feel more sexual and alleviate depression and anxiety. A big part of this issue is marital discord.

 When women no longer feel close to their partner, it is difficult for them to want to have sex, and many times this loss of connection fuels the feelings of depression and anxiety that sex would help alleviate. A vicious cycle is difficult to break, unless women begin to understand they aren’t having sex for anyone but themselves and their health. When women can begin to see sex as a way of promoting their own health, they won’t use it as a form of punishment when they are not connected with their spouse. Sex should never be used as a bribe or a reward anymore than eating healthy or exercising should be. Sex is an expression of love, connection, and a form of taking care of yourself. One should eat healthy because your body needs good food to function well, and you should exercise to help alleviate stress and keep your body in good shape. Sex, eating well and exercise are all cheaper and healthier than a psychotherapist, physician, or medications.

The loss of connection is no little thing, and many times it underlies depression, which compromises ones’ ability to enjoy life. However, using this loss of connection as an excuse for not exercising, not eating healthy, or not engaging in sex is being irresponsible. This new year, step up to the plate. Confront the real issues, but keep them separate from taking care of yourself. If you have problems with low libido, there are many medical/emotional reasons that can cause you to feel dead inside. Below are suggestions of where you and your partner should begin.

1.     Make an appointment with your physician and tell them you would like to be referred to an urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. No matter if you are a man or a woman, this should be addressed for your health and the health of your marriage.

2.     There is a wonderful website for couples called www.middlesexmd.com. I am an expert for this group, as well as several other professionals. It is run by a physician who specializes in sexual issues. Go to the site as a couple, read the articles and talk about them as a couple.

3.     If you grew up thinking sex was dirty, you have to make “new tapes” in your head. Religion can be wonderful to inspire and encourage people, but it can also make people feel shamed or inhibited about their sexual health. You are an adult; it’s time to reassess what those old tapes are telling you.

4.     Couples deal with a sexual issue better than you can deal with it on your own. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Guys, you need to take time, and sit with your partner and LISTEN. Don’t tell her she’s crazy or you don’t understand. Tell her you love her and you are sure your love can see her through this. If guys have the low libido, ladies, be as loving and supportive as I have suggested (1/3 of all men deal with erectile dysfunction).

When I first began as a psychotherapist, I was trained to do marital therapy only. After two months I quickly realized I needed additional sexual training. Almost every marriage that is struggling has a sexual component. When sex stops, one person is feeling rejected, and most likely they use sex to project that feeling on to their partner. Let’s stop this cycle in the New Year. Ladies, become the initiator in love making for a healthier and happier 2012.

The loneliest most of us ever feel is when we are with someone we don’t care for. A bad date or a bad marriage can make us feel so alone and unloved. Many people go out with people they don’t like to avoid being alone for special holidays, and New Year’s Eve is one of those times. Who wants to be home alone on New Year’s Eve? It’s the one night you are supposed to go out, have romance and bring in the New Year with a kiss of passion and goodwill.  I spent one New Year’s Eve with a guy I basically couldn’t stand. I don’t know why I accepted his proposal. He wasn’t even a good kisser and I had experienced his kisses enough to know that. It was miserable for me, and most likely, it wasn’t much fun for him either.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to be alone is because I didn’t understand how wonderful I could make that evening for myself. Many women and men date all sorts of people and go to terrible parties to avoid what I later learned can be a great evening. If you are going to be alone this New Year’s Eve begin now to make it special.

Tips on making your New Year’s Eve alone special:

1. Call an old friend who is too far away to be with. Spend some time talking on the phone, watching New Year's Eve specials together, and reminisce on the year gone by and discuss what's ahead. If your friend is going out at night, it’s okay to call her/him early in the day. Sometimes the voice brings back memories better than writing, so calling actually makes you feel closer and less alone.

2. Plan a nice meal for yourself. Most of the time we plan dinner for two when we want to impress someone. How about impressing you? If you don’t cook, make plans at a special restaurant you have always wanted to try. Go early to avoid long lines. Take a book or something to read if you are worried about eating alone. Many times when you are alone, people are less intimidated and will be more likely to start up a conversation with you. Don’t forget that a really good glass of wine can be a nice way to enjoy your dinner. Splurge on yourself.

3. Before New Year’s Eve, invest in a new hobby to begin New Year’s Eve. Maybe a new book, or a lesson guide for playing the guitar, or learning a language. New Year’s Eve is a good time to think about an area you would like to develop more in the future. Finding a book about fitness or nutrition is a wonderful way to begin the New Year. When we exercise and eat better we have more confidence, and when we have more confidence we appreciate ourselves more.

4. Consider exploring new websites after dinner. Get online, look at funny U-Tubes or other sites you have been meaning to explore. Although it may be 10 p.m. in your time zone, it may be midnight somewhere else. Consider being the first to tell others “Happy New Year.” Get online.

5. If you cannot stand to be alone, consider hosting a party for everyone you know who is single. When you have others around who have a lifestyle you share, it is much easier to feel connected. Good friends are always a better option than being with someone who bores you or doesn’t respect you. Just remember, if they drink (and most of our friends do), they may need to spend the night. Friends don’t let friends drive intoxicated. Period!  

6.  Take a hot bath with good smelling bubbles.  Enjoy soft lighting, a glass of champagne and good music.  You don’t need to be with someone else to relax and feel good about your own body. While relaxing in the water remind yourself how fortunate you have been and be thankful. Begin to imagine your new year. Thank your body for all it has done for you this year.

7.  If being alone this year for New Year’s Eve is too scary, try a getaway. Plan a vacation. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go and explore it fully. Getting away distracts you from not having someone to share the evening with. It also is a good way to learn more about yourself and others!

The best relationships always begin with the relationship we have with ourselves. New Year’s Eve is the perfect evening to begin exploring and celebrating ourselves. You don’t need another person to symbolize you are okay or desirable. In fact, the most desirable people I know are the ones who know how to celebrate themselves from time to time. You will be one of the few who wakes up January 1, 2012 feeling invigorated and inspired; grateful you didn’t settle under pressure on New Years Eve.