We want our kids to grow up liking themselves, the way they look, and what they contribute to their lives as well as the lives of others. Recently, I was involved in a show on FOX 26 which featured a woman who has the largest breasts in South America. What possessed this woman to keep going to the size of double “Ks,” on her way to “Ms?” She told us she became addicted to the process, that the breasts began to make her feel beautiful, which is something she had never felt as a child growing up and had always wanted. She also told us she was one of thirteen children, a child whose father died when she was seven, and her mom married another man to help with the raising of the children. She also told us that through most of the 30 surgeries she had suffered from bipolar disease and wasn't medicated until recently. Her breasts are infected and she is on constant intravenous pumps to prevent the infection from killing her. The picture is very disturbing, and underneath all of the plastic surgery and media attention is a child who wants to be loved for who she is. Her breast implants are not typical of what usually happens, but when you look at her small frame, and talk to her you understand the implants are not or never were going to give her that inner acceptance that she needs so desperately.

How do we build up our children so they don't look for surgery to make them feel good enough or beautiful, when that is clearly not the problem (for parents):

1. Try to stay away from critical parenting. Parents, DO NOT focus on your kid's looks. Take interest in what they do, and their gifts instead. When they need reassurance about the way they look, tell them they are beautiful to you in all ways (if they aren't, look deeper).
2. If your child complains that kids make fun of them, help your children think of comebacks. If the child is under the age of seven, talk to the parents or your child's teacher. If your relatives make fun of your child due to some flaw, confront the relative in private and tell them how it is hurting your child. I have a patient who is obese, and her memory of when her weight problem started was in the 5th grade when, in a physical education class, two boys told her she was the fattest girl in the school. The girl was ten pounds overweight, but she did get fatter after hearing that. Children are SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM.
3. Be aware of changes in puberty with your child. This is a time they compare themselves to others, including media. Some kids develop earlier than others, and this can be embarrassing if you have no one to talk to. Make yourself available to talk, and share your feelings and flaws during this time. Your child will appreciate it.
4. Hurtful teasing from parents, cousins, aunts, and teachers all influence how teens feel about themselves (forever).

Tips for improving your body image (for tweens and teens):

You are not born with a body image; you learn it from significant people in your life. Some people think they need to change how they look or act to feel good about themselves. But actually. all you need to do is change the way you see your body and how you think about yourself.

1. The first thing to do is recognize that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or color it comes in. If you're very worried about your weight or size, check with your doctor to verify that things are OK. But it's no one's business but your own what your body is like. The only thing you know for sure is that it will change as you go through puberty.
2. Think about which aspects of your appearance you can realistically change and which you can't. Everyone (even the most perfect-seeming celeb) has things about themselves that they can't change and need to accept - like their height, or their parents. Changing how you act is much more powerful than changing how you look.
3. If there are things about yourself that you want to change and can (such as how fit you are, or your skin care), do this by making goals for yourself. For example, if you want to get fit, make a plan to exercise every day and eat nutritious foods. Then keep track of your progress until you reach your goal. If you don't like the pimples on your skin, ask your parents if you can go to the doctor to get appropriate medicine for your skin to be clear. Meeting a challenge you set for yourself is a great way to boost self-esteem!
4. Don't ever talk bad about yourself, and don't let others talk bad about themselves when they are with you. Try building your self-esteem by giving yourself three compliments every day. It can be anything from the way you listened to your friend's problems, your ability to tutor a friend in math, or your keen sense of humor. By focusing on the good things you do and the positive aspects of your life, you can change how you feel about you. Parents are good about telling you not to drink or smoke. Try telling them not to criticize themselves in front of you. Explain to them that when you hear them berating their looks (or someone else's), you have a tendency to think that looks matter a lot to them, and therefore, you will most likely focus on your looks too. Remind them that this begins to happen at the age of three for most children.

Everyone I know has flaws. It is not our visible flaws that cause us misery, but our perception of our flaws that depress or make us feel badly about ourselves. Change what you can with diet, exercise and healthy living. If mom or dad suggests a breast augmentation or a rhinoplasty for your 16th birthday, remind them that putting their money into a college fund for you will give them a better return for their money (also suggest counseling for your parent's issues with looks). You should never undergo cosmetic plastic surgery (unless it is a corrective type for an illness, accident or birth defect) until you are ready to accept the consequences if it doesn't turn out to look the way you had imagined. That's tough to do if you are under the age of eighteen.

Moms are the backbone of our families, and if they are unable to stop their own anger and unable to say no, they risk a heightened risk of hypertension, diabetes, and raising children with a lowered sense of self. How does this happen? Moms who don't take time out for meditation, relaxation, and simple pampering routines become stressed with schedules, worries, and their relationships, which manifest in their health. These same moms forget the importance of exercise and begin to gain weight. This weight gain leads to diseases, such as diabetes and arthritis, which cripples their ability to exercise and participate further in life. Soon they become too tired to join her children at the park, or uncomfortable attending events with their husbands where people may notice their weight, and become depressed because they feel like they are no longer worthwhile.

We begin seeing the effects on children of mom's inability to say “no” because she is so busy saying "yes" to everyone else's demands that the only one hearing “no” is her child. Her children simply note that mom is no longer available to them. Children personalize everything and begin to think they are not worthy of mom's attention. This leads to the child's poor sense of self. Moms who are stressed with too much to do don't talk well about themselves either. The child is constantly hearing mom berate herself for her thunder thighs, big belly, etc...The child personalizes these statements too.

Tips for learning to say "NO" to everyone else and "yes" to you:

1. Practice meditation/prayer, or quiet time every day.
2. Take a 10 minute walk three times a day.
3. Before taking on a new task, ask yourself...who will this benefit? If you or your families are not on the list, say "NO." If you must add something to soften it, say "NO, I am taking time out for myself and my family."
4. Get pampered with something you like at least once a week.
5. Schedule a time when it is just you and your child...all phones and computers off.
6. Hug your partner at least once a day.
7. Have a chore chart and only do the chores you are listed to do. Appoint a manager of household chores (don't volunteer).

To raise healthier families, moms need to care for themselves and not feel guilty. Much of the conflict in a family is caused by undue stress mom feels about not having time for herself and her inability to say “No.” Dads can help by pitching in with chores and focusing on the marriage more. Moms who are in good marriages have a tendency to stress less and handle daily demands with healthier coping skills. The best ways to teach your children to manage stress well is to teach them by modeling appropriate self-care tips. Taking time out for you will help your child understand that giving back and nourishing our own body and spirit is as important as busying ourselves by taking care of others.

Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in a parent's marriage as well as their life. It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against us at times, rebelling from our rules, pointing out our inadequacies, and telling us “how out of it we are.” However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it. I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child's teen years.

1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don't like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don't care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).

The amount of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child's life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through and so will you.

I watched a movie titled “Greenberg” and in it was one of my favorite lines, “Hurt people hurt people.” The actress who played Florence in the movie said it to the actor she loved, Robert Greenberg. Robert struggled with OCD, was neurotic, jaded, and a 40-year-old guy. He had recently gotten out of a mental hospital, and was house sitting for his brother and family while they went to Vietnam on summer vacation. Robert's inability to live in the real world and his fear of dying and fear of everything else that living people have to do, left him with one job to perform while he was there, to build a dog house for the family dog (who happened to stay with him). Robert's brother's assistant, Florence, was left in charge of helping Robert. This was complicated by the fact that she was wounded from another relationship, Robert showed interest in her, and he couldn't drive a car. The movie had no plot except to depict how we all get into these relationships and someone gets hurt, and then that person goes on to hurt someone else. We all live it, and we all do it. Greenberg was also able to poignantly show that on the outside it is difficult to see these things. It is only when you are in it that you can see it, and then we are usually too deep in it to get out. Time and time again, Florence's best friend told Florence to leave Robert alone, that he was too messed up, but Florence recanted with, “He has a soft underbelly, he is the guy who leaves a party, and freaks out at something stupid.” She went on to say, “I like that.” Florence knew what she was getting and apparently liked the drama or rush that was involved with loving a guy like Robert Greenberg.

My husband hated the movie. He saw no purpose and thought the two people in the movie were both messed up. I liked it because I was able to watch it without counseling it. Besides, when you are looking in on it, you don't have to try and figure out what will work best. In this case, I don't think anything would work to help this couple exist and I am not sure it would be in either of their interests to stay together. To be sure, there are many couples in the “Greenberg situation.” What usually happens is they get divorced or break up in the hopes of getting together with someone else. It would be great if we could see them coming with a big “H” for hurt on their forehead and stay away from them. Many times, people who are hurt don't present as being hurt. They present as being vulnerable, shy, or aggressive. They may present as being funny or the silent type. We like them, and therein lies the problem. We see their pain and try to change them. We believe if we can understand them and are patient with them, they will come around and love again. With enough time, patience and understanding maybe one out of ten of them can and wants to change. If you are in love with one of the other nine, the odds are poor they will change or heal.

I have listed four main ways of hurting that hurt people are probably going to hurt you if you merge your life with theirs. The list could go on and on (for example I did not mention physical or sexual abuse), but if you identify any of these in a relationship prior to getting married, don't go there. If you are already married to a hurt person, try to seek counsel with someone who can help you unravel their mess from you. Hurt people have a way of making you feel shame, blame, and guilty for existing. These feelings may be felt deeper if you have become their enabler.

1. Stay away from anyone who makes you feel guilty for things in the past. The past is over, and you did not have the insight you have today. If a partner insists on continually bringing up the past to shame you, they are a hurt person and they are hurting you.
2. Hurt people hurt others by gossiping, criticizing, and judging others. When you notice this behavior confronting it may help, but most likely they will validate what they are saying by elevating themselves and putting another down. When that other is you it is easy to believe maybe you did something wrong, unfair, or selfish. Most likely, it is not you. The hurt person is trying to hurt you to justify their own pain.
3. Hurt people have been hurt in the past. This causes them to dwell on old thoughts, hurtful words, and behaviors. They project those hurtful memories on to you, especially when they are stressed (if you have been hurt you live in a stressful state most of the time).
4. Hurt people have difficulty seeing beauty. They live in the dark on many levels. If you talk to them about the beauty surrounding them they will usually tell you why it isn't beautiful. They are a downer to be around. They also may make you begin to feel heavier, and darker. Soon you may wonder why you are no longer happy or lighthearted. They may come around then and tell you what a bummer you are too be with. They may even tell you that you are the reason they feel so depressed or hopeless. When you hear this, it is time to get out.

Most likely, we all have the opportunity to attract a “hurt” person once or twice in our lives. It happens when we are down, didn't get the job we wanted, broke up with someone we loved, or our children left to go to school and we are alone. It isn't true we attract what we need. More likely, we attract what we are giving out. If you are feeling down, vulnerable, and sad, don't date. Better to wait until you are feeling at your best if you want to attract someone who is at their best.

Most of us know the importance of being honest with our partner and being able to discuss emotional concerns in an open manner. But now there is proof that behaving this way leads to higher quality relationships, as well as overall happiness. A research study from Ohio State University, led by Amy Brunell, confirmed that people who are able to see themselves clearly and objectively, while acting in ways that are consistent with their beliefs and interacting honestly and truthfully with others, have more positive dating, relationships and marriages. The study was researched using sixty-two heterosexual couples, all of whom were college students. They completed questionnaires in three separate sessions that took place about two weeks apart.

• The first set of questions sought to find how true the students were to themselves. The researchers called this “dispositional authenticity." This quality was measured through answers to such questions as: "For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am."
• In the second phase, the students answered questions examining various aspects of their relationship which included their willingness to discuss their emotions with their partner, and how comfortable they were at keeping secrets.
• The third phase involved measures of relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. This included a rating score of overall relationship and personal contentment and happiness.

Not surprising, those who were more self-aware and scored high on their dispositional authenticity (being true to themselves) also had the healthiest and happiest relationships. The study shed light on the importance of being aware of both your limitations and areas where you can grow stronger in your relationships. In the business of our lives we forget the importance of our own truths. We forget that we have flaws too, and being transparent (not defensive) with those flaws is as important as being transparent in regards to our partner's flaws. It is not usually our partner who destroys our happiness or relationship. It is more frequently us. Most marital conflict begins because we are no longer being true to ourselves. We tell our mother, “He hit me because he was worried and tired. It won't happen again.” Or we tell a good friend, “She didn't mean to offend you. She was drinking and didn't know what she was saying.” Our true self tells us we are living a lie, living with an abuser or a drunk, but because of our own fear we lie to ourselves and no longer are living our authentic self.

Do you think you are authentic but your partner isn't? Or is it your partner who is authentic and true to themselves and you have a difficult time being honest with your feelings? In all likelihood, you both have areas of weakness where you are less than honest, and areas that are less threatening and you are more honest. Many couples have an easy time telling their partner that they must quit smoking while they continue to overeat. Both are addictive behaviors and both can kill you. Try working together to inspire each other to become healthier. Below is a check list to see how you add up in regards to being authentic. The great thing about being real or comfortable in your own skin is you are completely free from what others think. Once you accept your limits, as well as your strengths, you no longer have to be worried that someone will find out you aren't perfect.

1. Do you understand that you chose your partner just the way they are? They don't have to change to be with you.
2. Do you tell your spouse the truth even if it means they are going to be upset? Can you trust them to be grateful for your honesty at all times?
3. Can you support your partner's dreams and help them come true? Can you honor their differences instead of trying to fix them?
4. Can you understand your ways of feeling close may not be your partner's? Can you embrace their ways and be respectful?
5. Are you brave enough to ask questions rather than make assumptions of what your partner meant?
6. Are you your own advocate? Can you tell your partner when you are hurt without blaming them or telling them what an evil person they are?
7. Are you aware of what brings you joy and express it when you feel it?
8. Do you realize your partner is not your property and they don't belong to you? Do you tell them how happy you are that they remain in your life by your side?
9. Are you able to stand by your faith and support your partner's faith? Do they have to believe the exact way you do, or are you strong enough that you can tolerate and learn from the way others practice their faith?
10. Can you express anger directly without blaming, judging or criticizing? When something bad happens do you always look for someone to blame? Do you blame yourself instead of forgiving yourself for your mistakes or weaknesses?

Being authentic means being real. Being real means being transparent with your weaknesses and strengths. When I make new friends I don't look for the flawless people because they are too much work. Perfect people are burdensome as they work so arduously to project perfection that they lose their ability to enjoy and have fun. Being real is one of the things we can change in our relationships to make them better immediately. If you need a quick study of “dispositional authenticity,” go to the park and watch little kids play. Their authentic self is still very much intact.

Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.

Women have a concept of men wanting only one thing…SEX. It appears this way. We see it on TV and hear about it on the radio. We read about it in magazines, books, and on the Internet. It's true, and to deny it would be silly. However, there is more to it than just sex. I know because I counsel and listen to men every day. In fact many of my patients are men, and they have taught me things, which I hope to pass on to you (it is important to remember this is NOT every man, just as it is NOT every woman. You may be the exception to the rule.) Even men tire of sex for sex's sake. No matter how beautiful the woman, a man cannot be satisfied with one if there is no emotional attachment. What bonds a man with one woman in a long-term relationship is the intimacy they share. When women speak of intimacy, we are talking about being able to talk to the guy, being able to feel heard, being cuddled, and held. These things may or may not lead to sex, and we often resent when our man talks with us only to have sex. Intimacy to women is our words, and the ability to express and feel close to our man by using words. Men like this also, and it makes them feel good. However, men are physical. They need physical intimacy to secure themselves with their partner.

When women talk about men only wanting sex, the talk seems to present men in a shallow light. Men often times don't know how to respond so they agree or consent to this view. When they do this, the myth is continued of what men really want and what they need to feel connected. We (women) devalue their feelings and make light of the physical needs to bond. Women see their own needs and somehow elevate these as being more important than men's needs. This is unfair to both genders and it severs our ability to understand and meet each other's needs lovingly. To create a security within a relationship, focus on both men's and women's needs for intimacy.

For women (and many men), emotional intimacy depends primarily on trust, and frequently involves individuals discussing their feelings. Sex must begin on an emotional level for women. There are exceptions with this and the first one that comes to mind is the case of sexually abused women. Sex is more of a matter of control for these women, and they may not want to be vulnerable with emotions. When a woman says, "Let's talk first," she is not being coy or playing hard to get. A woman needs to feel an emotional bond before sex begins. We cannot help it. This is how we are wired. We need men to let down their guard, and to be vulnerable with us. We need men to share their feelings and dreams. Along with this, we need their touch, but we don't always need sex to be intimate.

For men, intimacy generally means physical intimacy. That is how they feel close to their partner. That does not mean they do not have an emotional connection, because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, aside from sex as simply sex, men need the physical intimacy to feel loved. Sex alone is not enough, but it is more valued by them than words. Performing sex without feeling will not meet a man's needs for intimacy (unless he suffers from an addiction or psychological trauma in the past). Men do need to be touched, they need to be held. They need to be spoken to softly. Men are competitive with each other. Have you ever watched guys touch? It is usually a slap on the back, or a punch when they are laughing. They are “soft” with women, and they need this softness with women. Their cardiovascular health is improved with touch.

I think both sexes would be able to love each other much more effectively if we just quit thinking we understandd and began to listen. Male bashing or talking about women in trashy terms will never lead to healthy relationships or loving marriages. It will eventually destroy our families as well as ourselves. All changes begin with you and me. Here are a few more tips to build intimacy in your relationship:

1. Make a pact with your partner that for today you are going to judge less and listen more. A pact is a written agreement. Choose two behaviors you are no longer going to judge and let go.
2. Watch your partner. When you watch your partner, you learn to lecture less and appreciate the things they do that you never noticed before.
3. Teach your partner what you need. If you don't know what makes you feel close to your partner, how do you think they will know? We need to understand what makes us feel loved before another person can. Women who hint, never get what they need.
4. Take turns with talking and physical intimacy. If you need talking and he needs to hold you, change it up so that one time you begin intimacy by talking and one time you begin with physical holding or kissing.

The key with all great relationships is sharing a common vision. Whether it is doing mission work in Haiti or planning a flower garden, the vision must be shared and both people must invest effort. If you make intimacy a vision to share, you will be successful at having a long, loving relationship.

I have a friend who constantly looks at herself in any and all mirrors. She is not conceited or even what I would call vain. In fact, this friend is one of my most beautiful friends but she doesn't see that in the mirror. She complains constantly of growing older, getting more saggy skin, and how she would like to have a surgeon give her a body lift and face lift. One day when she was looking at her reflection as we sat down to lunch I hinted that maybe she should quit her obsession with looking at mirrors. I suggested it may be the mirror that was the real culprit to her lack of confidence with her looks. She turned to me with her eyes wide as she took that in. She had never thought about this concept. Apparently she looked to the mirror as a constant valuator of all she detested about her looks. She turned to the mirror to make sure nothing had gotten worse than the last time she checked.

My friend regards “looks” like many women I know. Women know too much about the influence of their looks. We know from numerous studies that beauty determines much of our life. We understand that attractive children are more popular with classmates and teachers than unattractive children. We understand that in a court of law the more attractive you are the less guilty you may be found. In all areas of life the more attractive the person the more that same person is thought of as good, intelligent, and popular. We become obsessed with how we look. Women are also much more critical about who is and who is not attractive.
Men are much healthier than women in the assessment of their own attractiveness. Men look in a mirror and judge themselves as better looking than they actually are. Women look in the mirror and see the Ugly Step Mother. In fact, women who look in the mirror excessively are most likely not looking for vanity reasons, but due to insecurity. Where is this coming from, or why is it getting worse? We look to the media to project our blame. The media is no doubt part of the problem. They show thin women who are made up or digitally altered to look so beautiful that we can never match it in real life. Our standards of beauty have become narrower and much less flexible. Whenever you lose the flexibility in what is beautiful, and who is beautiful you create an image that everyone must try to fit into. Pictures of what is accepted as beautiful are on billboards, TV, Internet, and magazines. We see them so much we begin to think of these images as the norm. We, along with our families and friends, don't fit these images so we judge them and ourselves as inferior. We also become susceptible to what the ads are promoting, or commercials are saying in regards to how we can become beautiful. Weight loss ads, skin care commercials, and surgical enhancements are all part of this. The more critical we become regarding our looks the more vulnerable we become to these ads.

In a recent survey, 80% of women who were asked to rate themselves in a mirror did not like what they saw. That is a sobering 8 out of 10 women. Lesbian women and African American women were less harsh with their judgment. These two groups had a more flexible image of what determines beauty. The white Caucasian women were the most inflexible with their judgment. More than any other group, they seemed to have a definite concept of beauty and most of them could not measure up. Their main criticism was aimed at their bodies, especially their stomachs, hips, and thighs. Does this mean we are doomed to continue this cycle to our daughters for generations to come? If not, what can we do today to stop the body hate for the next generation?

1. Try to limit looking in the mirror to once or twice a day.
2. Watch your “self talk.” What you say to yourself becomes who you are, and what you say to yourself is what your children hear and will later say to themselves.
3. When you see a reflection of yourself, rather than judge it harshly, remind yourself that you actually look better than what you are thinking (I am borrowing from the men here).
4. Stop all weight loss diets and adopt a lifestyle that involves movement every day.
5. Focus on your relationships rather than your looks.
6. Getting a massage or pampering your body is a way to nurture it and does much more than an expensive face cream ever will.
7. To secure a relationship with your partner, put your focus on enjoying each other with intimacy and sex more than trying to look better (when you are connected with intimacy and sex, how you look becomes less important).
8. Stay away from magazines or websites that promote an inflexible standard of beauty.
9. Stay away from friends that focus on their outer beauty rather than what they can do to benefit other's lives.
10. Be honest with your partner if their behavior or words make you feel judged or unattractive. Most likely, they were insensitive to what they said and how it may have affected you.

Aging is difficult for everyone to some extent. Aging is especially difficult for women who have focused most of their attention on their looks rather than their interests. Begin today finding new interests, and ways you can give back and make someone else's life better. The best cure for insecurity with one's looks is having confidence that what you do is valued and needed by others. You don't have to be “HOT” or "ATTRACTIVE" to be a beautiful person.

I had a great time speaking at this fabulous event.  It was so much fun to see so many empowered women!  Prime Living Magazine posted some great photos from the event on their Facebook page.  Enjoy!

Emotional affairs (EAs) are sneaky and it is common to find out you are in one without really understanding when and how it happened. Facebook, instant messaging, texting, and tweeting have opened doors for emotional affairs to storm in and have also built the walls necessary to keep it secret. These are two of the absolutes for an emotional affair to exist. EAs begin innocently enough. They take place at work, school, happy hours, and coffee hours, almost anywhere whenever two lonely people can meet up one on one and talk. They begin with conversations about interests, their ex's or spouses, their kids, TV shows (American Idol was one of the hottest topics discussed by EA couples), and music. People are looking for a sense of belonging, understanding, and appreciation. They may not be getting that from their marriage or current relationships and turn to someone else who may have the potential to provide them with this. They usually don't begin an emotional affair on purpose and they may not be seeking physical closeness. They are lonely and feel vulnerable or unappreciated. Having someone validate that they are special and wonderful becomes a “drug” to them and before they know it they would rather spend time with this person than anyone else including their spouse, children, or close friends.

The key word that keeps an emotional affair in place is the title people call the person they are having an EA with. They call them “a friend.” Due to this title, it is almost impossible to get too concerned with the relationship as they are after all “just a friend.” It is confusing to the person having the EA also because Friend and Affair are in two different categories. However, when this “friend” begins to cause fighting in your own marriage, feelings of lust in you, and intense feelings that you have to see them right now or you will die, then you know they are no longer a friend, they are an EA. Why do we call this person a friend at all? That's an interesting question and one that is important to understand. When you are in love with your partner you share yourself when you talk. You express yourself in a way that your spouse understands as love even if it's talking about the bills, the kids, or your parents. Your partner and you share at an intimate level. When you take this same energy and focus it on another person, you lose the ability to continue sharing this intimacy with your partner. So the relationship you have with your partner begins to look more distant, more dry and brittle and the one you are having with your “friend” begins to blossom and get fuller. It begins to look like your true love. You begin to see faults in your partner that you may have overlooked before. At this point, you may not have physical relations with your friend, but they aren't far away if you continue this pattern.

How do you stop and notice if you are having an EA? Below are a few of the warning signs. If you have more than one of these in your current relationship, it is time to step back and make a sharp turn.

1. You begin to feel closer to your friend than you do your partner.
2. You keep it a secret from your partner (whenever there is something you need to keep secret from your partner, this is a red flag).
3. You begin to think of your friend all the time. You begin having sexual fantasies and you notice there is a sexual tension with the two of you.
4. You pay extra attention to how you look when you see this friend.
5. You try to find ways to be alone with this person.
6. You begin to lie for this person so no one will find out what is really going on.
7. Time of day is not important as long as you can see this person.

Stopping an EA is a lot easier said than done. Many people report taking small strides by eliminating their Facebook conversations or emails, but there is still the phone, and text. This makes the emotional affair even stronger as you are now building an additional risk trying to cut it off. Most experts in the field of marital therapy suggest cutting it off completely and fast. The reason this method works best is you get a chance to grieve it, and redirect your energy and time back into your relationship and partner. As long as there is even one form of communication open, the threat is still there. People have quit jobs, moved and changed passwords on email accounts as well as Facebook. After you cut off the affair, your life will feel empty and alone. Filling it with close friends, family and new hobbies will bring back stability in your life and relationship. The following are some quick tips to get you back and help you heal.

1. Take a class with your partner/spouse. Dance classes, financial classes, or a martial enrichment course are all good ideas. A new class or activity will help distract your thoughts from your friend, add novelty to your relationship and refocus attention to your marriage and/or relationship where it needs to be.
2. Make dates to get together with your friends. Filling your life with friends is marriage friendly and also helps prevent feeling isolated and lonely.
3. Do something for yourself. Get more involved in your spiritual activities, or exercise program. Taking care of you will reinforce your health and a healthy lifestyle (which will also exclude the EA).

Being involved in an EA does not cause divorce. Not ending one will. Noticing the signs and acting on them is the surest cure.