When you find that special someone after a sad, bitter divorce or the death of a spouse you may think of blending your family with joy and high expectations. Your enthusiasm may not spill over onto your new children. They may feel left out and uncertain about the changes that are going to occur. Chances are high they may also still be wishing you and their mom or dad could work it out. They may feel guilt and anger about your happiness. Before you take this next step, remember these three tips:

• Be realistic. This is a process and it will not happen overnight. Most families report things improving and moving in a positive manner after one or two years.
• Be patient. You chose this new person to love. Your kids did not. Most likely, your kids didn't know these new kids they were going to be blending with. Don't expect them to share a house, possibly their room, as well as their parent easily.
• Be tolerant. Everyone warms up to others in their own way and in their own time. Pick your battles wisely, know when to insist and when to let go (your new spouse may be able to help with this, out of ear shot of the children).

You love your new spouse, but you may not love his or her children. Stay away from assuming and making expectations for these children and your ability to bond with them that will never come true. Books and magazines make blended families look glamorous, but it is more likely that they take a lot of effort to make them work. To grow up secure and healthy, kids need parents who understand several key points:

• They need to feel loved and connected. Remember, you are not their original parent, so make sure you not demanding the child's parent at all times. If the child feels left out but cannot express this, they most likely will ACT OUT. The child may still be suffering from the divorce or death of a parent, and this will make them needier of their parents' attention.
• Your stepchild will want your love but, as much as possible, give it on their terms. It is always best to let the child know you are there but not to force yourself on them.
• A child needs limits and boundaries. Let the child's biological parent set these and enforce them. If you have suggestions to make in regards to boundaries and limits do it behind closed doors with your spouse, when the child is not present.
• A child thrives if they feel valued and respected. They need to feel that they contribute to the family and that means you take their concerns into consideration. It is a good idea to have a suggestion box and have family members place ideas in the box (no name on suggestions). Make Friday night a pizza night and go through the suggestions. Value them, and try to put at least one of the suggestions into practice. This will give the child/children a sense that this family is fair and values its members.
• A child needs to feel protected and secure. Let your child know where you will be. They need time to transition to the new rules and their new room. Let them know they can always talk to you. Also encourage them when you see them joining or engaging in their new family. Tell them you know it is very difficult for them, but you really appreciate their efforts. Kids like to please their parents, even when they wish things were different.

Currently in the United States, more than one third of all children will be part of a step family by the time they are 18 years of age. Blending a family is an opportunity for you and your spouse to practice being flexible, patient, and tolerant of others and their differences. It is also an opportunity to work through issues and model healthy communication for two new families of children. If you see problems heading your way, make sure you talk about them together and privately before they become insurmountable. Children can learn and grow through a divorce and a second marriage. A second divorce for a child may destroy trust and faith in marriage (and possibly in you).