Barb and Jeff were in my office. We were talking about their relationship and all of a sudden Jeff became very stressed and angry. He tensed up, clenched his jaw and I thought he was going to slap someone. He held his hand tight in my office. Barb was angry too, but her response was different. She began to tremble, started crying, and then said, “I know, I am sorry. This is so difficult.” Looking at the two of them, I was more supportive of Barb, mostly because her emotion makes me feel sympathetic to her. I am a trained psychotherapist so I knew Jeff was hurting just as intensely as Barb but his way of expressing it appeared more hostile and made me or anyone watching him want to get away. Whose fault is this? Why did Jeff react so hostile and Barb so remorseful? It had little to do with intention, but everything to do with their brains and how they are wired.

The most recent research proved through functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRIs) that the blood flow during stress or anger is very different in men and women. When the scans were completed, neuroscientists consistently found differences between the men's stressed-out brains and the women's. Men responded with increased blood flow to the right prefrontal cortex, responsible for "fight or flight." This is part of the reason Jeff had a need to escape, or do something physical (clenching his jaw, getting tense, holding his arm). Women had increased blood flow to the limbic system, which is associated with a more nurturing and friendly response. This may be part of the reason Barb began to cry and saying she was sorry. Of course environment, the way Jeff and Barb grew up, and their genetics also have influence on how they will deal with stress and anger.

When couples are stressed, whether it is due to financial problems, marital infidelity, or a sick child the adrenal glands produce more adrenaline and cortisol. This is released into the blood stream and speeds up the heart and makes them breathe faster. It also increases their blood pressure and makes them ready for an attack. Most domestic issues don't need the body to be ready for attack, but it is automatic. If it happens frequently with couples it can lead to heart disease and other physical problems. Although this "fight or flight response" happens when the person is extremely upset or stressed, there is also a very low level of stress that can go on for a long time. This too can lead to the person feeling overwhelmed and the body's immune system can be weakened. Couples need relief from stress, and they need a plan to deal with everyday issues that cause anger, frustration, and life's ups and downs.

Tips for couples to deal with stress.

1. Talk about it to each other when you aren't stressed.

2. Write down ideas you can do to help calm your partner when they are stressed. For example, when your partner says they are afraid of losing their job, talk softer to them, tell them you “love them no matter what, and will work it out as a team".

3. Learn to breathe in slower and out even slower. This looks like this: Breathe in to the count of 4 and out to the count of 7. Do this 5 times before you do any action (more if you are prone to physical expression of anger).

4. Go for a quick run or fast walk.

5. Take a nice hot bath with nice smelling bath gels (the olfactory center is known for helping to calm the body with scents such as lavender). Whatever you do, try to calm down before talking or acting on your stress or anger.

MJo