On a recent morning show it was discussed that 15% of men cheat on their wives. This is an approximation as there is no way to know that number for sure (although I believe it is higher then that for politicians). The latest research with the National Opinion Research Center reports as many women cheat as men. In fact in my office I have more women cheating then men.

No one really knows how much either sex cheats; most cheating relies on “self reporting” and we know men report cheating more than women. Men also get caught more then women. Society does not punish men the same way in which it punishes women who cheat. Women are more able to deny it and hide it mostly because their husbands cannot imagine their wife cheating. Men tend to think “if she doesn’t like sex with me how could she possibly enjoy sex with another man?” Well, they do enjoy sex with another man and many of them are experiencing sex with another man.

What kind of women cheat? There is not a set profile on a wife who cheats. There are several characteristics they share and one or several of these will be talked about in counseling when I meet with them.

1. Wives who felt their husbands are inattentive cheat more than women who are married to attentive men. This means that if you don’t comment on your wives looks or compliment her she may feel like you are being inattentive. Women need to be noticed by their husbands and they need to feel like you still desire them.

2. Wives who felt like their husbands wanted them to be a certain way instead of who they actually were had more of a tendency to cheat. This usually looks more like a control issue. Women who report being married to “control freaks” have more of a tendency to cheat.

3. Wives who work with someone who is emotionally available (while their husbands are not) also tend to cheat more. Women fall in love with people they connect to verbally and emotionally. If they work with someone who is empathetic and compassionate and they are married to someone who is cold and aloof at home they may cheat.

4. Couples who work together or are together all of the time seem to have a higher incidence with the wife cheating. Working together, sleeping together, eating together, living together can get monotonous. Unless you take time to plan novel and exciting events, you may become bored with each other. This can lead to cheating, mostly because she feels she isn’t getting the attention she needs.

The divorce rate in the US is 50%. Women initiate greater then 80% of all divorces. If you have a wife who is withdrawn from you, is highly critical of you, and is never home it would be wise to schedule a time to sit and talk to her in regards to her behaviors. Most of our societal beliefs about females (that includes your wife) are distorted and many are also erroneous. Women cheat for the same reasons men do—they know they can, they believe no one will find out, and they deserve to be happy . The fact that cheating will not lead to happiness is very rarely considered.

MJo