The government and every advertiser understand that we are all afraid. You know this because you watch TV and I read the newspaper; most of the stories and commercials are centered on our fears. Our fears are growing old, losing our children to drugs or alcohol, losing our job, or maybe being sick and having no medical coverage. Our fears of getting obese and losing our sense of esteem. So many fears and all of us, every single one of us are being affected. I see my own, I see yours, and so I write this as a reminder to myself and you that we DO NOT have to be controlled by our fears.

Most of what we fear never happens. When it does, it is the "tape" we tell ourselves that scares us most. We say "If that ever happened I would kill myself or shoot someone". This is "crazy talk" and although we don't mean it, we say it, and it scares us. A lot of my work is teaching patients how to "re-tape" their own fears. Below are some examples to get you started. You can chose any topic and walk yourself through a plan. The best way to overcome fear is to have a plan or a tape that you can recite. This is my personal tape and it works well if you can recite it frequently: "No matter what happens, I will deal with it".

Sample Fears

• Being without a man. This sounds trivial but many women fear this. They tell themselves that they will never have a husband and children and will grow old with no one to care for them. They know it is not rational but they are still terrified.

Overcoming this fear:

First write down exactly what you are afraid of (eating alone, shopping alone, sleeping alone, etc...). Now begin to focus on doing those things you have said you are afraid of. Go shopping alone and enjoy it (add whatever you need to in order to make it fun). Eat alone (go to a fancy restaurant and enjoy each bite, look great when you go). The idea is to practice these things you are afraid of and overcome them. Not all at once.

Next begin to re-think being single. What have you told yourself about being single? If you made it negative, begin to look at the positive aspects (no abuse, no divorce, watching what you want) and always think of how you can get your fears conquered in a healthy way. If you don't like to eat alone, invite someone to go with you. Or have a party. If you want children, baby sit for your friends; make someone happy by reading at a school or volunteer for a boys and girls club.

• Gaining weight

Overcome this fear:

Write down exactly what you are afraid of (your eating is out of control, you will not be able to date, you won't be able to walk, you will be teased). Now begin to focus on doing the things you are afraid of. When you eat, take more control by having smaller plates, eating at home instead of fast foods, plan what you are going to eat. Have "cheat food" (carrots and celery) available at all times. Begin to go out on evenings. Put yourself out there—join on line dating, go dancing. Begin to walk and WALK EVERY DAY. What do you notice when you walk? Think of "come backs" when/if people do tease you. Write them down. Practice with delivery. Be assured that you are taking care of yourself. You are being your own advocate.

Next, begin to re-think what you have told yourself about being overweight. What words have you called yourself or heard people say to overweight people? What did your parents say to you when you were overweight? Write them down and get them out of your head and on to paper. Don't lose weight for others, lose weight for yourself. Don't focus on a size, but on an activity you want to be able to participate in once you lose weight. How can you help yourself or others going through the same struggle or fear? Participate in support groups, volunteer for a Children's Obese Camp, join or organize a "walkers group". Get active.

The key is to write the fear down and then come up with at least 5 things you can do for each of those fears to alleviate them in a healthy way (this usually means serving/helping others with the management of your fear).

Fear thrives on inactivity and talking about your fear. It cannot thrive on writing down elements of the fear nor can it thrive if you become active. Chose a fear, and begin to act on it today!

MJo