My mother gave birth to nine children. She taught school and I always knew her as a teacher—I remember much of my childhood was spent asking her questions. She was forty when she had me and I was number six. She most likely was exhausted most of my childhood years. Perhaps that is why when I would ask her what she wanted from life she would simply say, “I want to be used”. This seemed strange and even a bit crazy. When I was a teen and then a young adult, I wanted just the opposite. In fact most people avoid being used. They feel taken advantage of or humiliated. They don’t want to be judged as foolish or stupid in business transactions or social events and being used seems like both.

I am beginning to understand what my mother meant when she said she wanted to be used. She wanted her life to mean something to others. She wasn’t sure how she could give back, so she felt if someone used her information, education, or position that it was her way of giving back. It is a very humble position, but also a very strong one. No one could take anything away from her because she offered it freely. She was generous to a fault and, yet, we always had enough. Her ability to be used also made her very popular. She was an excellent listener and had the wonderful gift of being accepting when people confided in her. People use to “pop” in to visit her on Sunday afternoons and I remember how resentful I would be that these people did not call before coming. They knew they didn’t have too; she would be there and make them feel welcomed. They loved coming to our house and they would stay for hours. My mother was living what she wanted.

People come into my office alone and unhappy. They have worked so arduously against being taken advantage of that they ended up building a wall around themselves and created a barrier others cannot penetrate. I have realized that my work with them is re-training them to be “used” by others. It appears my mother’s goal for her life is also an affective treatment for feeling bored, lonely, or disengaged with life. It is important to note, however, that by being used my mother never let herself be abused. The two are very different. My mother gave of her time, spirit, and energy, but she did not let someone hurt her or make her feel less of herself.

How to give back or feel useful in life:

1. Plant a garden or nurture something. Taking care of something makes us realize our value and teaches us the concept that if we weren’t there this plant, animal, or person would not be as loved.

2. Begin to listen to people. Listen with your eyes so you will know when they need a hug or just a kind word. We all need to hear that we are special and that there are things about us that no one else has.

3. Make it more about someone else besides you. When you see something that someone else would love or hear a song that someone else likes make sure you told them what you saw or heard and why it made you think of them.

When my mother died I was not there. I grieved about not being able to hug her and tell her how much I loved her before she died. The undertaker was getting ready to close the casket and said to me, “every part of your mother was used”. I couldn’t believe it. How had he known that she lived her life for this purpose? I was at that moment convinced that even as a soul she was being used.

MJo