I was reading in the New York Health Times section on the importance of friendships. This article stated that you can determine ones' longevity by counting how many friends they have. As I read I began to understand the importance we place on our friends and how they do change our lives. After reading the article I was surprised when in clinic last week a patient told me that she felt part of her "over eating" was due to a loss of a good friend. This friend who was my patients' closest friend was like a sister. She came to every family event and was accepted not only by my patient but by her whole family. Then one day it was as if she vanished. She no longer answered voice mails, text messages or emails'. My patient was perplexed as she could not recall anything she had said or done to make her friend behave this way. As my patient talked tears came to her eyes and I saw how disturbing and hurt full this loss had been. We talked more and I asked my patient what she had done to rectify it. This was fascinating as she was clueless as to what she could do so she opted to do nothing. How could she let go so easily to one she loved so much?
There are many reasons friendships end. They may end due to people changing (such as may be the case after weight loss surgery) or circumstances change. Friendships are usually relationships between equals and if that balance shifts for one of the friends it may cause that friend to leave or feel less connection. When a friendship ends it is important to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it, and you have to grieve. This person was important to you and it will leave a void in your life. Fortunately not all friendships that are broken fail. Sometimes you can save them. Here are a few ideas to consider before you walk away from a friend that has been a major support person in your life.
1. Make time to communicate with this person. In the above example with my patient I encouraged her to write a letter to her friend and drive to her home and slip it under the door, or find a way to get it to her friend. Friends need our support and communication to stay close to us. If you are going to be busy or you know your schedule is going to be "crazy" warn your friend in advance so they know you still love them but are going through a tough time. They will understand you aren't neglecting them and usually will find another way to support you that only a good friend knows how to do!
2. Give it time. Usually with time one of you will realize the disagreement you had was blown out of proportion and you really didn't mean to say what you did or they didn't mean what they said. Don't ever talk badly about your friend even if they become an ex-friend. You cannot take back what they may have heard you say about them while you were angry. Being hurt does not give you freedom to betray your friend....ever.
3. Be ready to say you are sorry and own up to your own weaknesses. A friendship is not about pride or saving face. A friendship is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and trusting that this person will always focus on your strengths and love you despite your short comings. NOTHING IS WORTH RISKING THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you had a disagreement and it will have no significance in the future then I encourage you to let it go.
What did I suggest to this patient as she left? I told her my mother use to tell me to ask this question before I let go of a friend. "If it was 2a.m. and you needed someone to comfort you, could you call this friend and be comforted"? My patient thought about it, and said, "Okay Mary Jo, I will write her a letter".
