A common conversation that I am always involved in when I dine with girlfriends is their inability to realize there are multiple good men who want to settle down, marry, and have kids. My friends and co-workers get angry at men. They feel they are misled and used when in fact the opposite is usually true. My friends make a mistake with their thinking and they lead themselves down a path of misery. Julie is a perfect example. She has dated the same guy ever since I have known her. I like this guy—he is funny and always generous with a hug and warm big smile. The problem is Julie wants him to settle down and be the daddy for her children. This is not going to happen now and most likely never. Julie’s boyfriend is not that kind of man. The guy is honest and he tells her directly he doesn’t want to get married or settle down. I don’t think Julie hears him. She keeps saying her name with his last name and asking us how it sounds. It sounds like heartbreak to me.

Julie is not ready to take my advice or anyone else’s. She sleeps with her him, he lives with her, and works when he wants to. He has it made except for one pesky problem…he doesn’t want to marry her and he knows it is going to be messy breaking up with her. So he doesn’t and they remain together.

This is a common problem for therapists to see. We basically confront women like Julie with what we see. Sometimes they get it and leave and find someone who can love them and settle down. Sometimes they end up getting pregnant and having a child who grows up without a dad in the home. All of these situations are so painful, but preventable. If you want to settle down and start a family then find a partner who wants the same thing. Quit deluding yourself that the playboy you are currently with is going to change. You are wasting your time and your ability to love someone and get love in return.

Signs to Look for in a Man who is Ready to Settle Down with You

1. When a man is ready to settle down with you he no longer needs to hang out with single guys. He stays away from parties and exchanging phone numbers with other women.

2. A guy who is ready to settle down takes his work more seriously and rarely goes to a bar or club after work.

3. A guy who is ready to settle down with you is looking toward the future. He has a savings plan as well as a vision for where he will put his investments. If treats his truck better than you then he may not be ready to settle down.

4. A guy who is ready to settle down with you usually begins sharing his future goals with you. Where does he want to be working in 3 to 5 years? How does he see the relationship he has with you? If he tells you “Lets just see where this relationship goes” then he is not ready to settle down with you.

5. A guy who is ready to settle down with you is kid friendly. Watch how he treats kids. Is he angry with them, or patient? Not everyone who gets married wants kids but be sure you know this prior to marrying them.

Write down what you want. If you put getting married on your list, then date men who are ready for this step. It is not okay to curse men just because they did not want to get married to you. Take responsibility for your choice of men you date.

MJo