Studies show that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. There are many reasons for this, but one of the main culprits is that when things change in the relationship (such as having children) couples forget to adjust and prioritize. Your marriage has to take top priority if you want it to withstand the test of children. When you have children you must let go of the concept of having everything planned. Learn to take advantage of spontaneous times, such as naptime. This is a perfect time to leave the dishes in the sink or the dirty laundry. Instead, grab your spouse and make the most of your extra moments.

3 Reasons Intimacy Dies After Children

• It is difficult for women to value their role as a lover as much as being a mother. Making this transition is very difficult. Society values motherhood much more than they do a wife or a lover. One thing you can do to ease this transition is to be careful not to call your partner "daddy" or "mommy." Call them by the same name or pet name you always did. Once you begin to label your spouse as mommy or daddy it is difficult for you to think of them as your lover, and you begin to value their parent role more than their role as your lover or spouse.
• The routine of being a parent can get in the way of spending time with your spouse. When you have a child you begin to work together and most of your day (and night) is consumed with the kids. Soon sex and intimacy may become routine—done in the same room, the same way, or both people are too exhausted to have sex. Try making love in a different room or at a different time when the kids are out of the house. Call your spouse at work and surprise them once in awhile by flirting again.  Date night has to be on your calendar once a week, and try to have at least one weekend away every 4 to 6 weeks.
• Couples tend to forget how special their spouse is to them, and taking each other for granted happens to most couples. You don't need to get stuck here though. When you find yourself taking the other spouse for granted it's time to recognize it and do something about it—a favorite meal, dessert, or a kiss when you come home with a simple, "what would I do without you?"  This makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Don't wait to get that special treatment, rather, focus on giving it.

Life is about balance and many couples become panicked when they feel like they are losing the intimacy in their marriage. The most wonderful aspect of this it that it is POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK! Life presents many occasions in our lives where we are out of balance. Don't scare yourself if you haven't had sex for a couple of weeks. Simply sit down with your partner and identify steps you can each take to get it back. Divorce is almost 100% avoidable, but it does take awareness and action on your part. Below are a few more tips to help you get your intimacy back on track.

• Make the bedroom your haven. I know when your little cherub comes in at night and says they had a bad dream and asks if they can sleep with you it is easier to let them crawl in—but don't. That night will turn into every night. Pick them up, comfort them, and take them back to bed. Tell them you are keeping everything safe and no one will hurt them. Promise them you will check on them later to make sure they are okay.
• Babysitting does not have to cost money. Talk with your friends and begin taking turns babysitting. This prevents you from paying a sitter for your date night and secures another mom or dad that you can trust. If you cannot do this then talk to your parents or siblings to see if they would be willing to babysit once a week so you can go out for that crucial date night.
• Talk about your sex life with your partner; it's important to have a plan. Make sure you schedule sex on a specific night. Preparing for sex can be so much fun and gives both people something to look forward to. Couples who schedule sex have more sex. Couples who have more sex want more sex.
• Take your time with foreplay. Foreplay should begin before anything else; it is "before-play."  If you have date nights planned beginning at 8p.m., then get the sitter or take the kids to Grandma's at 7p.m. to have that time for yourself to get in the mood to feel sexy and transition from your mom/dad role.

For a long while we have told ourselves myths that children do okay in a mediocre marriage between their parents. But now we know kids thrive and do better when their mom and dad maintain their own love separate from the kids. Nourishing your marriage is the BEST THING you can do for your children.

Men and women handle stress and depression differently (both take a greater toll on men as compared to women). The recession made 2009 a difficult year and it is looking bleak so far in 2010 for many Americans. Recent statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics might indicate as much. The BLS recently released statistics showing that men held 78 percent of jobs lost during the recession, and that women's wages have risen by 1.2 percent more than men's over the past two years.

These numbers have some calling the recent recession a "mancession," while others point out that these numbers could be interpreted in a variety of ways. For example, men may have lost more jobs because many of the jobs that have been cut were in the manufacturing and construction industries. And women's wages may have risen at a faster rate, but most women are still making less than the men doing the same jobs as them. For many men, being able to talk about their feelings of vulnerability or sadness is impossible. Women, on the other hand, are comfortable talking about the stress they feel. Women are "allowed" to cry and find comfort talking to other women about how they feel. Men relate more by being competitive and focused with each other. Very seldom will they tell a buddy how they feel. Because of that stigma, many men keep their emotions hidden, and as a result can't handle the recession stress quite as well as their female counterparts.

Women are used to doing most of the household chores. Along with that comes an understanding that life goes on. Sammy still needs money to buy Popsicles at lunch and Kim needs her uniform washed before practice in the morning. Men, on the other hand, because they generally aren't worrying about all of these other factors at home, can get bogged down in the negatives they have to deal with at work. Men are more defined by their careers, and when work isn't going well it is easier for many men to feel like they aren’t doing well. Their focus on their work leaves them unbalanced during times of job insecurity.

Women are more secure in their outside network than men. They have more clubs, groups, and associations in which to belong and network. Men have a tendency to spend less time with groups or networking. They go it alone more frequently than women, so when they are troubled or worried they are less apt to share with other men who could potentially help them with encouragement and advice.

Women have always been paid less for our work than men. There is strength in that during a recession. We understand that we may have to be more flexible or improvise. Women are resourceful because they have had to be (it wasn't that long ago when we couldn't even vote!). Men, due to their history of being the breadwinner, feel like failures if they have to step down, or take a less than deserved shift. Their ability to be flexible in the work place is not as developed as a woman's. Everyone knows an oak tree suffers more damage in a storm than a willow.

Men experience feelings of anger two times the rate as women when they lose their job. The emotion most likely to affect the heart, blood pressure, and overall health in a negative way is anger. Men are more likely to turn to violence when they are angry. Women, on the other hand, turn more frequently to crying, which is actually healthy for the body.Part of being married is watching your spouse and trying to encourage and help them when they are down. Below are signs and symptoms to pay attention to if you your spouse behaving this way more frequently.

Signs and symptoms of a spouse who is suffering from stress related job loss or job insecurity:

• Performing less well at work
• Unusually quiet, unable to talk about things
• Worrying about things more than usual
• More irritable than usual
• Complaining more about vague physical problems

Severe signs of stress and depression (take note especially if these have been going on for more than two weeks):

• Feeling sad or unhappy
• High levels of anxiety
• Low energy
• Difficulties concentrating
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Losing interest in activities or people
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of sex drive
• Lapses in personal hygiene, such as not bathing or shaving as regularly
• Thoughts of suicide (call 911 when and if you ever feel this way)

As I write this, it is important to note that men are almost 3 times more likely to kill themselves than women. Suicide is most common amongst men who are separated, widowed, or divorced, and is more common with men who are heavy drinkers. Over the last few years, men have become more likely to kill themselves, particularly those between the ages of 16 and 24 years, and those between 39 and 54 years. No one knows why this is so, but it is very troubling. If you notice the man in your life becoming more and more despondent or withdrawn, and avoiding the things that used to bring him joy, it is time to consult a doctor. The recession will run its course, but stress and depression can end your life.

I watched Tiger Woods' apology about his treatment for sexual addiction on national television. Watched and listened along with millions of others to the words that are so frequently said when someone is in rehab. "I have ruined my life and it is my own fault. I need to ask your forgiveness, and I need to make amends for the pain I have caused you."

I run a food addiction group at Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas, and work with sexual addictions in my private practice. One thing I know for sure, an addiction is an addiction and it makes little difference what the drug of choice is. Lives are ruined with all addictions and anyone who loves the addicted person is hurt over and over again. The addict is on a slow spiral downward and cannot get well until they decide they have had enough.

What makes addictions so difficult to treat, whether they are food, sex or drugs, is the denial that keeps them in place. The addict cannot see clearly and they are no longer the person you loved, were married to, or birthed. They are addicted, and the drug has full control over their personality. They will steal, lie, cheat, and care nothing about what you think. They are totally self-absorbed toward getting the next fix. Forget it if you think you are helping them by covering for them when they are too depressed or hung over to go to work. If and when that happens, you have become part of the problem. When an overeater wants to celebrate at their favorite restaurant and you take them and eat with them, you are part of the addiction. When a friend wants to meet up with a date in a new town and you keep it a secret from everyone, knowing this friend has had many other lovers you are part of the addiction. Tiger's handlers who didn't hold him accountable and didn't stand up to him became enablers of his addiction. He may need to reconsider who he hires, and tell them up front that they need to be firm in what is acceptable and what is not.

The three teachings that Tiger already learned, and that I teach in the food addiction group, as well as with my sex addicted patients, are:

I am so proud and honored to do my weekly segments on Fox 26 Morning News. Our recent segment called, "Classmates with Cancer" has won  the esteemed Gracie Award in the Outstanding Talk Show - News category! Congratulations to Fox 26! I am so proud to be a part of this.

Click here to view the video "Classmates with Cancer."

If you say "we" rather than "me" or "I" in your marriage, you are more likely to have a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. A new study from the University of California suggests that the more a couple sees and refers to themselves as a team using pronouns such as "we" or "us," the happier they are in their marriage.

The study analyzed 154 middle-aged and older married couples talking about arguments and/or disagreements they had. When the conversations were more frequent with "we words," there was less physical stress noted between the couple. They were also much more satisfied with their marriage than their "I" and/or "me" counterparts. Pronouns that depict more separateness also correlated more highly to unhappy marriages, especially with older couples. There were more "we" couple statements in the older group as compared to the middle-aged group. The study suggests that the older the couple, the more they have shared together, and there is possibly a greater shared identity.

How can you learn to incorporate more "we-ness" into your relationship to achieve the benefits that "me-ness" doesn't afford you? For starters, it may be good to practice changing your pronouns, especially in front of your partner. It appears that using "we' instead of "me" is a bit contagious. It also makes your partner feel more secure and willing to work toward a common goal.

More tips to change from "me" to "we"

• Purchase his and her towel sets. This helps each partner see themselves as part of the marriage. In fact, share everything you can (including a bank account).
• Ask your partner's opinion on joint purchases for the home. This makes your partner feel valued as being part of the couple. Ask their opinion in regard to clothes you buy as well as your hairstyle, shoes, etc.
• When talking to your parents on the phone, refer to your activities as "we," describing what you and your partner did over the weekend, or where you and your partner are going to vacation this year. These small changes make your partner feel like they are a part of your life.
• When you send a gift to your family or friends, always sign the card with both of your names, or write "we miss you" or "we love you." The more you use "we," even when your partner is not around, the more you begin seeing yourself as part of this team. It becomes more ingrained in your thoughts. You begin viewing yourself and your partner as emotionally close.
• When you sign a card to your spouse, always put "your husband" or "your wife."
• Share your visions and dreams by saying, "I see US doing this someday," or "I hope WE can accomplish this goal."

This study shows how small changes in a couple's communication or a change in their semantics can actually affect their long term outcome as a couple. It may be wise to note how you feel when your spouse says, "I want to do this," versus "we want to do this." Chances are high that you will feel more connected and receptive to the activity if you hear we instead of me!  

It was a great honor for me to participate yesterday in an amazing discussion about near death experiences during my weekly hour on Fox 26 in Houston. 

In case you missed it, here are the links to the segments:

Dr. Jeffery Long

My Segment

Dr. Dominic Aquila (Catholic Theologian)

Every day I get a new marital journal in the mail. Every day it says the same thing (which research supports). Couples who decide to stick it out in a marriage not going so well end up being happy in the long run (this does not include abusive relationships). The key to these results is you have to work at it. Sticking it out can be tough, and divorcing, although not an easy option, is an immediate solution (to at least one problem). The toughest part of sticking it out is that most people who struggle in their marriage don't have the skills they need to pull the relationship out of a downward spiral.

Another very clear problem is that couples don't have a lot of mentors who can help support and guide them through the rough times. Many people don't belong to a church or feel accepted by one, the families live far away, and the media makes it appear that if you don't get all of your needs met in a marriage, it is doomed. The magazines and TV make it appear that everyone should be married to someone beautiful and totally enamored by us all the time. Perhaps this explains the constant switching of partners with actors, and celebrities. We see couples walking hand in hand with their perfect dog and perfect baby and we begin to believe our marriage is not good enough as compared to theirs.

I believe marriage is the greatest institution on earth. I took, and still take, my vows seriously, and I have gone over in my own mind what they mean when I hit a rough patch in my own marriage. I also believe that marriage is disrespected by many people and taken advantage of. However, at the end of the day, most of my clients want to be married, are trying to find someone to marry, or are hurting from a loss of their marriage. This makes it very powerful to me, and is one of the reasons I like reading Scott Haltzman's work. Haltzman wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." He also wrote "The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less."

Haltzman believes if your relationship is going badly it may be due to the fact that you have set your expectations too high. I see this frequently because couples who become critical of each other usually have an underlying thought that this person (spouse) should make them happy. They forget that they too must nurture their relationships. For example, the economy has put a strain on most families. Families want nice things, the cell phones, the flat screen TV's, the nicest computers and iPhones. You cannot have these things unless you work long hours. Working long hours takes away from the relationship. Couples don't understand the need to communicate these frustrations. "How can we have nice things and still have enough time for us?" Usually due to the lack of talking about it and negotiating they become withdrawn, critical of their partner, and angry at themselves because they aren't happy. This gets projected into the marriage, and instead of working on their relationship to solve this issue they blame the marriage. "It must be you and me. We shouldn't have gotten married." It has nothing to do with the marriage. It has to do with sitting down and talking about it.

Most of the problems that are worked out in my office are due to one thing and one thing only. Each partner begins to listen to the other one and doesn't judge their partner (in my office it is easy, as that is one of my first rules and I am the coach). I have watched partners bite their tongue while sitting on my sofa so they would not throw a judgment in. You can learn this skill no matter how long you have been married and nothing will begin to restore your "messy marriage" as quickly as this one skill. I have listed three other quick skills you can begin to practice today.

1. I statements. When you are talking to your partner begin to use "I." In other words, you don't say, "YOU always do this, or YOU never do that." You say, "I feel (worthless, unloved, and sad) when you say that." This makes your partner feel less blamed, less defensive, and it gives you ownership into owning your own feelings. In the real world, your partner cannot make you feel anything. You choose to feel the way you do when certain things are said. It isn't right or wrong. It just is.
2. Sit down and look at your partner at least 15 minutes each day. Take the challenge. How many of you turn off all communication and just look at your partner every day for 15 minutes and visit?
3. Do one fun thing with your partner each week. Something you both enjoy like dinner, a bath, playing tennis or golf, going for a run. All of these and many more are good options.

If we can better our marriages, we can better our children, their education, and our society at large. Your marriage matters. Keep it strong. Keep it healthy.

I wanted to say a quick thank you to Richard Zwolinksi, who interviewed me recently for his Therapy Soup column on PsychCentral.com.  I enjoyed speaking with him and felt that his article did a great job of telling my story.

Here is a link!

Edit (2-11-10): Here is a link to part 2 of the interview.

Have a great weekend.

My best friend is a sculptor. I don't mean the kind you do with a knife on wood or ice, I mean with her husband. She never talks bad about him to me or any of her other friends. She changes any topic to bring out how great he is. She does that to his face too. In fact, the other night at dinner he said something funny (it really wasn't but we all laughed), and she responded with, "You are so funny, I just love it." My husband adores her because she is so kind to her husband. I love her, because I leave every encounter with her feeling happy that she loves him so much. Her husband adores her too because she brings out the very best in him. He brags all the time that she is the one who worked on his head so he could actually complete medical school. I am not sure if my friend ever saw a flaw in her husband, but I am sure if she did she would turn it into an asset that would benefit him.

My friend is not a scientist, nor is she in the field of psychology. She most likely has never heard of the "Michelangelo phenomenon." This Phenomenon that was studied by Eli Finkel, and Caryl Rusbult shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly. When the spouse sculpted the relationship well the relationship functions better, and both partners are happier. So why is this different than just being a loving, supportive partner? Many times when you are loving or supportive, you aren't effective at helping your partner achieve their highest goals. If you think about it, you are sculpting away the flaws in your partner to help them develop their own dreams, aspirations and other traits they hope to learn. For example, if your wife wants to go back to school, you sculpt her so she can be a better organizer and task completer. You find out what it is you can do to make going back to school easier for her. If it means you pick up the kids, make dinner, and help the kids with their homework, you do that while telling her how great she is doing in school. Telling her how wonderful she's doing can help her keep up with everything, including her homework. You help your partner see how skilled she is so she won't feel the stress and become overwhelmed. The more confident she becomes, the more she will feel in control.

Tips in learning how to sculpt

1. Find out what your partner's dreams and/or aspirations are. Trying to make the person into someone you want, and not someone they want to be, is called controlling, not sculpting.

2. When you find out which areas your partner wants to be stronger in, or the areas in which they feel the most vulnerable, ask them how they see you being able to help (you are asking for guidance here).

3. When your partner says something or presents a situation where you see they need a little help, you encourage them by reminding them of another time when they were able to do this. For example, if your partner usually forgets names at a party, and they feel badly about this, the next time you go to a party with them, say the person's name for your partner. Then when your partner meets this person and can say their name, you give them a little hug and say something like "You are so good with people." You don't remind them of how you helped them. Your partner begins to build more confidence with this and doesn't get as anxious about it at the next party.

The idea behind sculpting is that you do this for a long time. The craft of sculpting takes years of chipping away to encourage your partner to become their true self. The difficulty with sculpting is that it must be done without trying to make the person change to make you happier. Sculpting someone (chipping away at them) to change something you don't like is called "nagging." It usually causes food addiction, alcohol addiction and/or divorce.

It was inevitable, women kept going to school (at present more women are going to college than men), stopped getting married young to have children (women are at present taking less time off from their careers to have children and care for them), and now four out of ten women earn more than their husbands. Let us not forget that even though women are making more money than before, we still earn, overall, 77.9 cents for every dollar earned by men.

Women who are in primary bread winning roles in their family are on their own. They are reinventing a family life very different from the one in which they grew up. Many couples find the need to redefine their roles and they may feel more comfortable if these roles remain traditional. In reality, there is no way a woman can (or should) imagine she can work a twelve hour day and come home to face kids and laundry. This leads to a stress in the marriage and a breakdown in communication between husband and wife. Many couples look for the solution to who will do what? It sounds easy, "you take the trash out and I will wash the dishes." If men are not working outside the home, or are the house dad at home, they may cling to the more traditional male roles as a way to continue their masculine self-image. These feelings may not be rational at times, but honoring them may be marriage saving. In several studies, men whose wives earned more than they did actually withdrew and isolated themselves from chores unless the more traditional roles were established. This may be due to him needing to feel like the head of the home, or it could be his wife needs these traditional roles so she can feel like she has a man who does manly chores.

Men with working wives take on more housework than men with stay at home moms. However, they still lag behind by five hours a week. In families with small children, the gap becomes even wider with women spending 17 more hours per week than men on household chores.

If you are in a family where you earn more than your husband, or your wife earns more than you, these suggestions may help ease the transitions of who does what. After all, the important thing is that the chores get done.

1.  You are in it together.
   How much you earn is not the issue. The issue is who is going to do what to keep the family together. You will have a less stressful marriage if you work it together. Organize a weekly calendar and put it up in a central location. Let the kids pitch in too. Everyone has to work together to keep the family happy and healthy. Do not let yourself get caught up in who does more, or who makes more. You are both contributing to the same goal (a happy, healthy marriage and family).
2.  How much you make should not prevent you from doing your fair share at home.
   Boasting that you make more money and therefore your spouse should do more is not a good idea if you want a healthy marriage. No matter if your partner makes $26,000 a year and you make $150,000 a year, both of you are still working 40 hours a week and contributing. Most likely, you both have the same amount of free time. Demeaning your partner's job and elevating yours is a sign of arrogance, not a cooperative partner. Make a schedule that gives each of you some playtime, and also time for chores that need to be done.
3. Don't forget date time.
   Most of us work at our jobs to better our families and our situation. We cannot work without taking time away. This time away with your spouse is so important. Many times couples fight when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It is not about the chores or family income that precipitates divorce. It is a loss of connectedness to one's spouse. All the money in the world will not matter unless the person you are married to loves you and wants to share their life with you. Take the time to get away and let go of chores and other demands. They will be there when you get home.
4. Socialize with other couples with the same lifestyle as yours.
   Socializing with other couples lowers your blood pressure and your risk of heart attacks. Get out with your spouse and enjoy laughing and sharing dinner with friends. Couples who play together really do share chores and work together more effectively.
5. The recession is impacting men's jobs more than women's.
   My daughter's professor calls the recession the mancession. More men have been affected by the recession with layoffs and cuts than women. Therefore, just because you do earn more than your hubby, it does not mean you are better or more qualified. Be grateful you have a job no matter how much you make, and celebrate his job or what he is able to accomplish at home. Men derive self-esteem and self worth by the work they do. Losing their job is much more difficult for a man to deal with than it is for a woman. Your man may need your support and assurance that he is still the "man" of the house no matter who brings home the bacon.

I came from a home where my mother was more educated and earned more than my father. He worked nights at a menial job and earned half of her salary. They worked together, and they were able to hold us children accountable for doing chores so we could survive. My dad was my primary caretaker during the day. The guy slept about 4 hours at night (from the time my mother came home to the time he went to the graveyard shift). They raised nine children. I evaluate every man by my father's strong, sensitive, nurturing abilities. A man's (and woman's worth) can never be judged by what they earn.