One of the most common complaints I hear from women is their lack of sexual desire. A woman's sexual desire changes with years and life events. It is normal for her desire to lessen after the birth of a baby or during stressful periods in her life. But what happens when she has lost all desire and finds herself counting ceiling tiles while in the middle of making love? Or what happens when she withdraws from being touched by her husband because she feels like he will want to have sex? This is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. It means you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes personal distress. When this happens and it is ongoing it is important to report it and discuss it with your doctor. It may be hormonally related, or have other underlying medical explanations. I work with urologists and gynecologists who help with this sort of problem. But when the problem has emotional involvement (which for women is usually the majority of the time), counseling is a vital part of treatment. Women are more emotional about sex than men. In fact, many women tell me the physical rewards are not as motivating as the emotional rewards when they are having sex.

The first step is the most difficult when seeking help for low sexual desire, but take a deep breath and make an appointment with your health care provider to discuss your low libido. Take a note pad and write down your concerns. The reason you will want to write them down is that you may get flustered or concerned when you bring up the discussion with your doctor. Not all doctors are trained in Low Libido and they may be uncomfortable, not wanting to embarrass you. This is not your problem as sexuality is all about good health, but if you worry about embarrassing yourself or your doctor, questions will be easier asked if they are written down.

Questions you may want to consider:

1. What could be causing my low libido?
2. Will I ever desire sex the way I use to?
3. Are there books, movies, or DVDs I can read or watch to help me?
4. Do you work with a psychotherapist or counselor who can help me?
5. Are there medical treatments available for my low libido?

Make sure you have a list of all the medications you are currently taking. Tell your doctor if you have a history of depression, and also tell your doctor if there has been a significant change in your relationship. Doctors are intelligent, but they cannot read your mind. You will have to tell them your part of the story so they can help you.

There are many medical treatments for low libido, and many times these can make a big difference with regard to how the woman feels about her sexuality. More important is the integrity of the relationship. I have seen women with low libido who have a loving, caring partner achieve great intimacy and sex. There are many ways to have sex, and one size does not fit all.

Below are a few suggestions that may help you feel more confident with your spouse and also help you begin to feel more engaged and interested in sex.

• Take the phone off the hook.
• Turn on soft music or music that makes you feel vibrant and beautiful.
• Give yourself lots of time (a quickie is difficult for many women who struggle with low libido).
• Foreplay can start before you invite your partner (a glass of wine to relax and taking time to dress nice makes a woman feel more feminine).
• Make sure you have lots of privacy (your bedroom door should have a lock).
• Invest in testing and trying lubricants (make this experimental and fun, rather than an arduous task).
• Pre-menopausal and menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections. This can be reduced by voiding before and after sex.
• Men must understand, the goal of sex is to FEEL more connected…NOT orgasm. Talk to your husband. In my counseling, I have noted that men will do almost anything to help their partner enjoy sex.

When sex is not a problem it doesn't take up a lot of room in the marriage. When sex is a problem it becomes everything in the marriage. If you push your husband away because you don't feel like sex he will become hurt and angry. Embrace him, talk to him, and tell him what is going on with you. Make him part of the counseling as well as the doctor's appointment. If he understands you are not rejecting him, but are truly suffering from low sexual desire he will become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

Marriage research has listed finances as one of the top three reasons couples get into trouble. Couples who begin to struggle with money issues are having problems at a deeper level than the cost of the items. Money is symbolic in our culture, and it symbolizes values, goals, and what each person prioritizes. Therefore, attacks regarding money become attacks of basic values, which have a tendency to insult the spouse's family as well as the spouse. Happy couples argue about money too, but money problems with unhappy couples lead to heated disputes. In a book titled, "For Better: the Science of a Good Marriage," a simple quiz helps you understand how you compare to other couples. Respond yes or no, giving careful thought to the question. The answers you get will give you something to talk about with your spouse on date nights.

1. We agree on how to spend money.
2. I have no concerns about how my partner handles money.
3. We are satisfied with our decision about saving.
4. Major debts are not a problem.
5. Making financial decisions is not difficult.

It may interest you that happy couples agree on at least four of the statements. According to Tara Parker-Pope, the author of the book, if couples disagree with three or more of the statements, they are more likely to score low on marital happiness tests.

In a national survey, happy couples who took the above test scored like this:

• 89% agreed on how to spend money.
• 80% said they had no concerns about how their partner handles money.
• 73% were satisfied with their decision about saving.
• 76% said major debts were not a problem.
• 80% said making financial decisions were not difficult.

Whereas, unhappy couples scored like this:

• 59% did not agree on how to spend money.
• 68% were concerned about how their partner handles money.
• 71% were not satisfied with savings decisions.
• 65% said major debts were a problem.
• 68% said making financial decisions was difficult.

How we manage our money is an aspect of marriage we can all work on and be successful. As you take the quiz, make sure you take the time to talk to your partner. Try not to lecture them, but rather discuss the areas you both feel could benefit from changes.

Below are a few suggestions to help you get started:

1. Stop thinking about his and her money. It belongs to your marriage.
2. Know how much each of you makes.
3. Have a joint checking account. If that is too scary, make it a “marriage account.”
4. Have a goal to save for. Decide on a percentage to donate to this account each week.
5. Talk about money when you are engaged in fun things together. It is not a good time to talk about money when you are crunching numbers to make ends meet.
6. Each person should make a pact to give up something they like, or a luxury item, so that the goal can be reached. A Starbucks habit can cost as much as $40.00 per week.
7. Agree on a specific amount of money that can be spent before you report it to your spouse. That may be $25.00 for some couples or a $1,000.00 for others. The amounts are not as important as the agreeing and the follow through.
8. Don't attack your partner's family for the way they spent money. Your partner is their own person, and they will only feel criticized and defensive should you use this tactic.
9. Do a little soul searching. Sometimes when a husband or wife feels neglected by their partner, they spend money. Talking will help you understand why your partner is out of control with spending. You can give more attention and focus and save money at the same time.
10. Money is taught to most of us by watching our parents. If your spouse learned money management from parents who were irresponsible with money, talking to your partner and taking more of a “team approach” works better than threatening them.

Taking steps now can prevent your marriage from struggling with money. So many conflicts can cause distress within a marriage. Money does not have to be one of them.

A frequent question I hear is, “Should I divorce?” How do you know when your marriage is over? It's a difficult question, and one no one can answer for you. For one couple, a cheating spouse may be the final reason. For another couple, cheating may be worked through, but the in-laws may be the reason for divorce. I usually advise couples to wait and put every ounce of energy they can into salvaging the marriage. I also ask them to think about issues: How will your children fare? What will your friends say, and will they take sides? What about the in-laws? Will you still be able to see them, and if you loved them, how will they deal with the divorce? Are you really prepared for the dating scene? How will you feel when you are all alone? Can you make it financially on your own? What has this spouse done that you ultimately cannot forgive? Until you are clear with these issues, you may want to wait with a divorce. Divorce means the final end. There is no going back, so it is not a decision with which to be reckless.

Divorce is commonplace now, but it isn't easy. Many times when something becomes common, we devalue it or make light of it. Anyone who has gone through divorce has suffered the sleepless nights, the gut wrenching feeling of the legal papers, and the aftermath of watching the kids try to adapt to their new lifestyle. There are flags that wave when a divorce is highly likely. You may note a few of these in your marriage right now. If you see less than two, the marriage is salvageable. However, the more you have, the harder it will be to salvage the marriage.

1. Has it become impossible to talk to your spouse without it turning into a full blown argument?
2. Does your spouse curse you in front of your children? If your spouse continues to the point of upsetting the children, I would leave tonight (with your children).
3. Does your spouse threaten you? This is a flag you should never ignore, call the police and get out.
4. Does your spouse refuse to help with chores, childcare, or financial obligations?
5. Does your spouse have friends of the opposite sex that they demand they see even at your request that it makes you insecure or threatened?
6. Does your spouse abuse drugs, alcohol, and or money in an addictive manner without trying to get help? This problem can jeopardize your life, as well as your children's.
7. Does your spouse use discipline in a hurtful, abusive way with your children? We all read the story about the dad who punished his child with punches. This should never be tolerated. He has a problem, and you need to end your marriage with him if he won't get help.
8. Does your spouse respect you? Do they talk down to you, or make you feel lower than them?
9. Does your spouse belittle your career and make fun of you?
10. Does your spouse resist personal growth? Do they want you to stay the same, even though you are a living thriving being? This is symbolic of a controlling person; they are also usually very insecure.
11. Does your spouse no longer desire you sexually? Do they resist by pointing out your faults? Do they compare you to other more desirable spouses?
12. Has your partner changed ethically or morally in a way that is not as loving and giving? It is worthwhile to check with your spouse if this happens. It could be sign of depression. Depression is treatable; you don't have to divorce something you can treat.
13. Does your spouse avoid any opportunity to bring harmony or joy to the family?
14. Has your spouse been unhappy for so long that they have already given up on the marriage?
15. Has your spouse told you they don't love you anymore, but are staying for the children's sake? Children are happy if parents are happy. If you are unhappy in your marriage, your children know it. When they are small, they will act marital issues out. When they get bigger, they will take the pain of their parents' marriage and act it out in destructive ways, such as teen drinking, body piercing, obesity, and sexual promiscuity. If you think you are hiding a bad marriage from your kids, you are deluding yourself.

A divorce is often seven years plus or minus two in the making. If your marriage is in trouble take every measure possible to salvage it. If many of these 15 flags are waving, you would be wise to consider letting it go. It sounds broken.

Men suffer with their body image much the same as a woman does. There is a media type of perfection that men are influenced by that includes thin, tall, dark men. Most men don't put the same pressure on themselves to reach that perfection or fit in, but men who have “moobs” don't feel masculine or desired by women. Gynecomastia is breast development in males. It can happen at any age, but it is usually due to weight gain with adult males. Fat is deposited over the pectoral muscles, and this can make men appear to have breasts or moobs. There are diseases that can cause this development, so it is important that you go to your doctor if you have pain or other symptoms. With obesity being so common, it is becoming more and more likely you know someone with moobs.

The clothing industry has realized it can make money from peoples' insecurities. They now have shirts made of spandex for men to hold their moobs in. They also have a mature cut with shirts for men with moobs. Clothing industries have always had these clothing sensitivities for women. However, with a high divorce rate and more middle aged men dating, they are becoming more aware that guys, too, suffer with body image. What woman doesn't have a pair of spandex, or transparent line panties, or bras that promote cleavage? Why should it be any different for men? No matter how technical the clothing industry becomes with holding us in or pushing us out, if you are in an intimate relationship, someone eventually has to see your body. Any part of your body that gravity can affect, it will. The latest statistics project that by the year 2015 75% of Americans will be overweight. Can you imagine the moobs and sagging we will see in both men and women?

Here are some tips you can begin today if you feel badly about your weight or if you are growing “moobs” due to obesity:

1. Go to your primary care doctor. This is important because weight gain can be caused by many things. Although weight gain is the primary reason for moobs in adult men, it could be something else.
2. Get engaged in an exercise and nutritional program. Your local Y may be a good place to start. Some physicians have nutritionists on their staff; changing how and why you eat is a great place to begin.
3. Buy clothing to disguise your moobs and stomach. Women have been buying support clothing for a long time. Guys may feel less masculine when purchasing a t-shirt made of spandex, but if you are on the dating scene or just feel bad about your body, a clothing article can help you feel more confident.
4. When you are with your spouse, make it more about the time together than going to a new restaurant. Maybe instead of a full course dinner, you could try appetizers. You will save money, and the time you may have spent eating can be spent going for a walk or talking with your spouse.
5. If you aren't married, engaged or in the dating scene, remember the first thing that impresses people is your appearance. If you lack confidence regarding your body, walk around slumped over, or try to hold back, your first impression will not be favorable. It is much better to stand up straight, look your date in the eyes, and be transparent. Tell her/him you are working on a healthy lifestyle and portray to that person that you are determined to make changes. Women want a “take charge” guy. Taking charge of yourself and being healthy is a turn on. Women would most likely overlook your moobs.

Being judged is never fair, especially when that judgment is primarily made up of visual cues. How a person feels about their flaws may accentuate the flaws. Try to begin a lifestyle that will eliminate the flaw and derive confidence from your ability to follow through. Confidence is visual. Also, most of us have been drawn to people who weren't especially attractive, but their confidence made us want to be with them.

There was a recent article in the New York Times and the Houston Chronicle about longevity being linked to waist size. The study was from the American Cancer Society which tracked the health of more than 100,000 people over nine years. Having a large waist size doubled the risk of dying from any cause compared to those with smaller waists. This finding occurred whether the person was normal weight, overweight, or obese. The researchers reported a particularly striking finding for women. They noted that the association between waist size and mortality risk was strongest for women who were normal weight. The take home message was watch your waist as well as your weight. The size of waist that was most noted was 47 inches or larger for men and 42 inches or larger for women. The waist is measured just above the navel, not underneath your tummy.

Most people are more able to lose weight if they adapt a total lifestyle change and have an exercise buddy. That's one of the reasons couples can be so successful if they work together to help each other become more active and eat healthy. Women use food to manage emotions such as anger, boredom, loneliness, and anxiety more than men do. Therefore, if women can talk to their partner about how they are feeling, many times this alone will help them curb their munching. Men have more tendencies toward drinking and watching TV than women. If women are able to encourage their partner to go for a walk or a bike ride with them, this helps him cut calories and become healthier. Working together can also lead to a closer connection with each other. You have a shared vision; rather than worry about your partner sabotaging you, they are going to be motivating you.

Before you begin, it is important to understand a few basics about men's and women's bodies in relationship to losing weight:

1. Men lose faster. They have more muscle mass, faster metabolism and more water. Therefore, the same exercise and diet will be reflected differently on the scales. Women lose slower, and the body fluctuates more due to menstruation as well as our higher fat content.
2. Women get hungrier than men with strenuous exercise. Women's bodies are designed to give birth, so what we burn we feel the need to restore.
3. Both men and women can be addicted to trigger foods, but it is more common with women. If your partner understands this, you can ban specific foods from your home.

How to begin a couple's exercise program:

1. Choose an exercise you both want to do. It should be done at a level that you can continue to talk to each other, thus enhancing your emotional connection, as well improving your cardiovascular health.
2. Choose the number of times each week you will engage in this activity and the time. If you are a morning person and your partner is an evening person, maybe you can go together on the weekends and separately during the week.
3. Don't compare your weight loss with your partner. What is important is you are encouraging each other. Congratulate each other more on their clothing size as they lose weight and how they appear. Are they more energetic? Do they seem happier? These are the things to notice.
4. Take turns cooking healthy. Make dinners at home special. This will save you money as well as save you unwanted calories.
5. If you feel a binge coming on, alert your partner that you need additional support to stay on track. Many times just telling someone else will stop the binge in its track.
6. Supervise yourself only. Don't become the sergeant to your spouse. The goal is to get healthier and whittle away the waist, not your marriage.
7. Prepare for more intimacy. Women especially desire sex more when they feel better about their bodies. Sometimes losing one or two inches from her waist can turn a woman into a sex goddess.
8. Be consistent. It takes about 30 days to make a behavior a habit. Everyone has the money and means to live a healthier lifestyle.
9. With weight loss, as with everything else, you get better results when you encourage rather than shame.
10. The more couples engage in activities, the happier they report their marriage. The more couples share a vision, the happier they report being. Losing weight with your partner achieves both of these.

Dr. Jacobs, who piloted the study, believes there is clear evidence that eating better and exercising more will reduce waist size and burn off belly fat. He goes on to say that, “Even a modest reduction in waist size, an inch or two, could be quite helpful.” If you begin exercising as a couple today, by Thanksgiving you may love your new waist size more than a Butterball Turkey.

I work with the Center of Pelvic Restorative Disease at Methodist Hospital. This is a virtual center and encompasses about twelve physicians and staff. I am the intimacy and sex counselor for the center, which deals with any problems in men or women from the waist down. I work with gynecologists, urologists, oncologists, internists, urologists, gastroenterologists, as well as plastic surgeons. The Center cares for men and women every day who have problems with their genitals, bowels, bladders-you name it.

Patients with genital problems are emotionally challenging. This is partly because the patient and their partner have suffered a long time prior to the problem. The marriage is strained, and this makes any problem more difficult to resolve. Men come in with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculations, prostate cancer, bladder cancer, Peyronie's disease, and low libido. Men are more vulnerable emotionally when their penis does not work than a woman is if she has vaginal problems. There are many reasons for this. The number one reason is the emphasis the man puts on his penis to declare his total manhood. Women value their vagina, but women are more complicated sexually; we have back-ups, such as our clitoris and breasts.

When I am counseling a couple who is struggling with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, I can see the woman has no idea how deep this is hurting her man. She has no idea how ashamed he may feel, or how it makes him less confident in himself as a man. She may even tell him, “You're a Rhode's Scholar for goodness sake; I didn't marry you for your penis.” He doesn't respond to that and most likely that comment makes him feel worse. When a woman gets married, she should understand she is marrying the man, his family, and his penis. A man looks at his penis as an individual, and I will bet you money your husband has a name for his penis. The best way to a man's heart may be his stomach, but men are willing to starve if you love his penis. Women don't really understand this. In fact, some of the cruelest things I have heard a woman say are when the man cannot get an erection. Sometimes she is angry at herself, feeling that she is not sexy or attractive enough. However, most of the time, she blames him. Once a man feels bad about himself, no medicine is going to help him stay erect. This erodes marriages, and it can kill the way a man feels about his wife.

When a man falls in love with a woman and wants to marry her, many times he will tell her, “Don't ever change.” He means to say, “You love me right now, you love my penis, if you continue and stay like this I will do anything to make you happy.” The kids come, the bills come, women are stressed, but they still love their husband. However, they forget about the other member-the penis. They begin cajoling the husband that all he wants is sex. The more women cajole, the less sex they have, and the man begins feeling less about himself. Soon, no one has sex, no one touches each other, and the marriage disintegrates. It isn't about who is at fault; it happens because we don't understand each other. Women think it's superficial to only want sex; men think its cruel and rejecting when women don't want sex.

What works best is if women understand up front what value a man places on his penis, how it affects his thoughts of his ability to be a man and take care of his woman. Men should understand that women like the penis, but they like the man more. They want more than an erect penis. They want a partner, someone who helps with the kids, chores, and makes them feel loved. Women: when and if your man ever has a problem with his penis (and most likely he will at some time in his life), I encourage you to take it seriously. For one thing, it defines how healthy he is because an erect penis is all about blood flow. Secondly, it helps define his emotional health. Yelling at him or making light of his issue is cruel and insensitive. Work with him to help overcome his problem. Sometimes, men who don't feel appreciated in regards to their ability to take care of their woman may turn to alcohol or food to numb their feelings. A problem with the penis is complicated by obesity and alcoholism. You can see how an issue that wasn't insurmountable becomes that way when it is misunderstood. If your husband has problems in this area, find a quiet time and talk to him. Reassure him that you love him and will work with him. He will view this as you loving both him and his penis, and his outcome will be much better.

Couples come in every week for therapy. Many come in with expectations of gaining insight, some are dragged in by their spouses, and some come in out of frustration and wanting out of a bad marriage. The reasons that bring people in are not as important as the couple's attitude. If couples see their marriage as a work in progress and come to therapy to work past difficulties, they usually will be successful. Therapy is expensive and can be a waste of time. It can also be the single best thing you ever did for your relationship. When a marriage or a person is in psychological distress, the friend with the best intentions will usually say, “Why don't you go see a therapist?” The friend is saying this because they love their friend, and they don't know what else to say or advise their friend to do. There are times when a couple should not go to therapy; sometimes therapy may be counterproductive, putting the couple in financial distress, and deeper frustration that nothing is going to change.

If you are experiencing any of these, therapy may be a greater strain than beneficial:

1. If you are only going to therapy to say you did it. A spouse who already has a new significant other and wants to ease their guilt by saying they went to therapy should save their money. They will need it in court.
2. Couples who are trying to fool the therapist. If you pay therapists to listen to your story, but the story isn't true, I am not sure who is wasting their time more.
3. If you or your partner hates the therapist, it may make you less successful with therapy. Keep shopping until you find one you both are comfortable with and respect.
4. If you go to therapy and engage, but don't do your assignments, you won't be successful long term. The assignments are part of the process. It leads to better understanding of yourself and your partner.
5. If you don't prioritize the therapy and schedule it into your life, then you will miss appointments. We choose what is valuable by our actions. You are telling your spouse and therapist that this isn't important. Why continue to waste your money?
6. If you are inflexible with your thinking and unwilling to make changes, you are wasting your money with therapy. Therapy is all about changing one's self. If you think you are perfect and don't need to make changes, then therapy most likely will not be effective.
7. If you don't believe in therapy or you think it's voodoo, most likely it will not work for you. Couples must embrace the therapy and believe it will help them restore communication.
8. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend and you are in marital therapy with your spouse, get rid of the girlfriend/boyfriend first. Otherwise, therapy will not be successful.
9. If you go to therapy, but let your spouse do all the talking, therapy most likely will not be successful. The therapist needs to hear from both of you about how you feel. If you have difficulty expressing yourself with words, ask the therapist if you can write what you want to say. The therapist wants to help you communicate. They don't care if you talk, write, or act out your emotions.
10. If you have great difficulty laughing at yourself, therapy is going to be very difficult. You may still be successful, but it won't be as enjoyable.

Therapy is one of the greatest opportunities a couple can venture into. It offers an atmosphere of complete honesty, confidentiality, and openness. Where else can you go and talk candidly about you as a couple and get objective guidance? Just remember, therapists cannot read your mind. When a therapist joins your marriage team, you should feel supported enough to take risks. You should be able to be totally open and honest with your partner with the intention of creating the best marriage possible.

The Journal of Aging and Health has released data on a study of 9,000 men and women in regards to their health and personal life. The people in the study were the ages of 60 and 70 years old, and most of them had been married once. The study confirmed that people who are married are happier, but it also looked at couples who were married several times. The people who married three or more times were a third more likely to die early than the people who married for life; 34% of people married three or more times were more likely to die after the age of 50 years. Researchers reported that it could be due to the stress of a bad marriage, the death of a spouse or the movement between multiple relationships showed a recklessness that carried into personal health. Many studies have confirmed that people who are married live longer, and this could be due to numerous reasons. Such reasons could be your social needs being met, a partner who helps care for you, or feeling special to someone exclusively.

Many couples are getting married now at the age of 25 to 30 years of age. If they are successful at staying together, maybe we would be wise to teach couples how to be a better spouse before marriage. Instead of a simple blood test, maybe a mandatory class or workshop addressing anger, financial conflicts or in-laws would help. Since the bride's family traditionally pays for the wedding, maybe the groom's family could step up and pay for the pre-marital classes. We put so much focus on the wedding, engagement, and the birth of new children. Often we forget that the back bone of this union is going to be determined on how well the couple can resolve conflict.

Marriage is sacred, and I believe it is one of the greatest institutions we have available. However, if you are in a dysfunctional marriage you can live hell on earth. At that point, saying you should stay in it to be healthy would be ludicrous. Marital counseling can help, but it is not as effective as pre-marital counseling and education could be. Couples don't think about it, because when they are getting ready for their marriage they don't want to anticipate the inevitable conflicts. It takes parents to bring this up, and offer it as a gift to the couple. It never hurts to understand your spouse more. Below I have listed a few ideas to go over with your fiancée' prior to marriage. The more of these you address now, the better your chances are for being married forever. If you are getting ready to marry number three it may be wise to address these prior to tying the knot.

1. Marriage ensures I won't be lonely.
2. Marriage means we will maintain a close relationship until we are parted by death.
3. With marriage I am legally able to have sanctioned and readily available sex.
4. We will create an extended family. That means my family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers) will all be taken care of by us.
5. This marriage means we will have kids and create our own marriage.
6. My partner will help take care of and motivate me to take care of myself.
7. How comfortable am I in exposing my feelings, limitations, and childish attitudes to my partner? Whatever I tell my partner they will embrace.
8. How comfortable am I with closeness? If I need distance, my partner will understand.
9. How much of my love for my partner is actually fear of being on my own?
10. I expect my partner to be there 100% financially.
11. How will my partner feel when they see my reaction to anger?
12. What am I willing to reveal to my partner in regards to how I feel about new sexual experiences?
13. How big of a gap is there with education between my spouse and I? Will this be a problem?
14. How do I really feel about my partner's family?
15. Do we actually have parallel lives making our relationship somewhat superficial?
16. If either of us has an affair, is it is always best to be honest and tell the other spouse?
17. We both love kids and will accept however many we have. (Be sure you discuss this one before you get pregnant.)
18. We are different religions, but that doesn't make any difference. We will decide how to raise our kids after we have them. (Not an issue you should postpone talking about until the children are born.)

There are of course many reasons marriages fail. If I have heard it once, I have heard it a million times; “He changed,” or, “I never saw that side of her.” We don't see what we don't want to see. Communicate, share, and stay open is my best advice to stay married until death do you part.

I don't know how many of you have seen the commercials for “Old Spice.” I do know that almost every woman I talk to seems to have a thing for the guy the campaign has used to advertise Old Spice. The commercial shows this guy walking on a log, with a towel over his bottom half. Right away women like this guy! He isn't naked (most women prefer the bottom half of their man covered while walking). His top half is well muscled, and his face shows his ability to take care of himself by his meticulous shave (he has an interesting goatee). He is agile (log rolling) and has perfect timing of dismounting the log. He walks ashore talking to us, giving us good eye contact and his confidence is expressed in his tone of voice and strut. I would bet that 80% of women have fantasized about this guy. The producer of this Old Spice campaign is a woman, and she expresses through this ad exactly what women want in a man. Sales of Old Spice to women have increased, and it is no surprise to find out when women smell this scent they think of the guy on this ad and their dad (Old Spice has been around for a long time). The number one thing in most surveys of what women find attractive in a man goes back to our innate need for security (this is where the memories of dad come in). What else about men turns us on? I have a list of what women really want. If you are a man wanting a woman, you may be wise to acquire as many of these assets as possible.

What women want:

1. Confidence is the number one thing women report wanting in a man. They cannot stand a wimpy man, and no matter how good looking you are, your choices in women will be limited if you are wimpy or wishy-washy.
2. Women want a man who can laugh at himself and find humor in most things. Men who are intense and serious are great, but if you are unable to find humor in yourself and situations, your intensity will weigh us down.
3. A man's ability to splurge and make a woman feel like she is the most important person in his life is irresistible. In fact, when women tell me what is so great about their boyfriend or husband, this quality is mentioned in the top three reasons.
4. Women want a loyal man. Due to our high need for security, we look for and are attracted to men whom we trust will be faithful. Women have radar for this, and although some of them may be attracted to players, the majority are not.
5. Women want a sensitive man. That does not mean they want men who cry, or are passive. Women will abuse that sort of man. A sensitive man is a gentleman, and remembers women judge men by watching how they treat others as well as them. Being sensitive means you consider other's feelings. You treat others as being on your level instead of beneath you.

Of course, there are many other reasons women are attracted to men. If you remind them of someone they loved like their dads or you look like someone they loved, they may find you more attractive. Overall, these five come up when I ask women what they find attractive. You will note I do not mention looks or intelligence or career. These three things attract women also, mostly due to the power they emit. Women find a man's power important for the simple reason they are looking for security. If a man is intelligent and/or has a great career, they assume that he will provide them with security. A man's looks are important to a woman's ability to be attracted to him but they aren't on the same level as what a woman's looks are for a man. Women may see a good looking man, but they don't react as men do with a good looking woman. Women are much more judgmental in what makes an attractive man than men are in regards to women. For every man who has ever said, “Women are weird; you never know what turns them on,” I salute you. You are right! I think this list of five may be a step in the right direction.

First, the economy forced us to take a “staycation.” We were all in our backyards, putting up tents. We were too worried about leaving town, because when we got back we may not have a job. According to Expedia 2009, Americans are vacation deprived. About one third of US adults (34%) do not take the vacation days they receive each year. About 37% report regularly working more than 40 hours per week. Thirty percent of Americans have trouble coping with stress from work at some point during their vacation. What has happened to us? We are reporting more stress, anger, and hostility at work, yet we are so worried that if we get away we could possibly come back to no job.

Couples need a break away to nurture their relationships with each other. Children, too, benefit from a family vacation. Some of the best memories of being a family happen when the whole family is on vacation. School is right around the corner, and we all have a small window for a short, wonderful getaway. If you get anxious thinking about all of the work you have to leave behind, consider a breakation. A breakation is much different than a staycation, because you are going to leave home, and take a shorter, more intense vacation. Still not convinced that you can do it this year? Are you thinking you don't need it or your marriage doesn't deserve it? Consider the following reasons you should and must take a breakation.
Reasons to take a breakation:

1. Vacations promote creativity. When you are away, you have time to think without the pressure of getting work done.
2. Vacations keep us healthy. Your heart rate slows down, your blood pressure goes down, and all of these processes make your heart happier.
3. Vacations help us feel less stressed. Therefore, we express ourselves with less anger, irritability, and hostility. Communication improves when we aren't feeling stressed.
4. Vacations are the one time you can give to yourself while giving to others. It's a treat for everyone and has long lasting effects.
5. Vacations can help cure or postpone job burnout. Many times, absence from your job really can make your heart grow fonder of your job.
6. Vacations promote more connection and negotiation between couples. Sometimes, when you live with someone who is always stressed, you may begin to wonder what made you fall in love with this person. Getting away with them and seeing them relaxed and playful again is a gentle reminder of why you love them.

Breakation ideas:

1. Try a hotel for the weekend or a three day cruise. Yes, it's expensive, but it only lasts two or three nights, and you are worth it.
2. A quick trip to Vegas. It's a cheap flight, with lots of shows and cheap food.
3. Going away for a weekend and renewing your vows. This is one of those things that may help a couple who is in the midst of struggling with their marriage.
4. A private or public nude beach. This is a breakation that works best if Grandma and Grandpa will keep the kids. It is not necessary to tell Grandma and Grandpa what kind of a beach you are visiting.

Where you go is not important. What is important is that you grab your partner and go. You deserve a break, you work hard, and both you and your partner will come back feeling renewed and ready to go back to work.