Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.