It’s inevitable that if you’ve been married or been with someone for more than a year you’re going to have arguments. Sometimes arguments help clear the air, and end with you feeling closer to each other. But then there are those arguments that go round and round, up and down, and nothing is gained. In fact, they deteriorate your relationship and make you question your commitment to each other.
When in doubt or in the middle of your next argument with your spouse, if it’s over one of the five below, you’d be wise to end it before it begins. No one will win and your relationship will most likely be the biggest loser.
- “My friends get texts, emails and calls…I get nothing.” The truth is your partner is not responsible for keeping you amused. No one can be everything to anyone. If you’re lonely, take responsibility and call or text your friends or reach out to someone that will be happy to hear from you.
- “We aren’t intimate enough.” This is a loaded argument for many reasons. When both partners feel like the other isn’t being intimate or sexual enough they are usually comparing you to what they see on videos, what friends say, or some other unfair comparison. It’s better to sit down and talk about what you can do to help your partner feel more intimate and connected with you.
- “I feel like I’m doing everything in this relationship.” Usually the person saying this is overwhelmed, stressed and feels unsupported or used. Addressing that issue is much smarter than attacking your partner and blaming them. Sometimes the problem lies with you, and not being able to say ‘No.” Talking to your partner about how you feel rather than accusing them of not doing their fair share will be much better for your relationship and help you get more support.
- “All you do is work; I never feel as important as your work.” With both partners working and the demands of raising a family, most couples complain about finding balance. A better option than fighting about how much time one of you spends at work is to focus on making the time you do have feel appreciated. Reminding your partner you’re grateful for the times you spend together and being enthusiastic about date nights adds fun to his or her times with you, and motivates them to prioritize home, creating better balance at work.
- “I never get my way because you always need to be right.” This is a no-win argument because a partner who needs to be right will fight about any issue that threatens their choices. Couples that begin this style of communication turn into tit-for-tatters. It’s miserable to be part of a relationship where there has to be a declared winner and loser. The relationship becomes hostile, competitive and void of intimacy. No one is 100% about everything, and in fact, most of us are 50/50%. Instead of arguing about who’s right, ask each other for help in making decisions. One of you will be more advanced in one area, and having each other to bounce ideas off of makes a relationship more cohesive. Being a couple means you rely on each other to make the relationship work. It isn’t a relationship if you’re in it by yourself.
Happy couples argue as much as unhappy couples, but the way happy couples argue is different. They argue with an open mind, to understand rather than win, and to become closer to their partner. If you’re fighting too much and you no longer feel connected or in love with your partner, begin by showing your partner more appreciation for what you do like and less criticism for what you don’t.