This week’s questions highlight the euphoria of new love and the sadness of love betrayed.
Dear Mary Jo,
My name is Aaron and I’m looking for love. What is the right way to get to know someone when you know you are in love with them?
Love usually takes at least six months to develop and although your feelings sound intense, it may be more infatuation than love. However, the best way not to scare her away with your intentions is to ask her casually if she’d like to go to lunch or coffee with you. The strongest relationships are based on friendship first. I wouldn’t recommend an overly romantic place or extravagant outing until you’re sure she’s interested in a romantic relationship with you. You sound like a thoughtful, sensitive guy, and if she doesn’t appreciate that, someone else is sure to. Good luck.
Dear Mary Jo,
I just went through a divorce and feel broken. We were having trouble in the bedroom, and he kept telling me that it was him, not me. I found out it was not me; it was his girlfriend. We have been married for twelve years, and have no kids. I feel betrayed, and have no idea how to go forward. Can you help me?
It’s tough the days, weeks and months after a divorce. The ending of a relationship is never easy, but the fact that he betrayed you with another relationship makes it especially difficult. These suggestions can help you minimize the hurt and pain.
- Make a plan to see your family and best friends more frequently.
- The weekends are tough. So in the beginning, plan to have plans on the weekends.
- Focus on your health. When a marriage is ending it is common for people to drink too much, eat too much or not enough, and engage in other unhealthy behaviors to numb their sadness or anger.
- Begin journaling so you can get in touch with who you are and say what you need to say.
- Take a class or invest in learning something new, Kellie. Distraction is good right now.
- Meditation helps us in all areas of our life, but especially when we are healing and feeling the effects of stress. It doesn’t matter if it’s meditation done at church or at home. The importance of blocking out quiet time, to sit still, focusing on calming your breath and being present heals the body as well as the mind.
- Find a counselor to support you emotionally and help you resolve your anger and grief. Understanding more about what you contributed to the marriage will help you make changes to feel more confident and self-assured before you become involved with someone new.
Relationships are complicated and you cannot make someone love you or want what you want. Being lied to or cheated on is a terrible feeling, but when someone who once loved you and was your spouse is the betrayer it shakes you to your core. The steps you take toward healing within the first year after a divorce are instrumental in how well you cope with your new single lifestyle. A divorce is an ending to a marriage, but it is also an opening of a door to a new normal.