When you get married there is an assumption that you’re going to have sex with your partner. So, what happens when you get married and you don’t? Is it possible to have a sexless happy marriage, and is a sexless marriage normal?
10 to 20 % of people have a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is usually defined by having no sex in over a year’s time. It’s actually more common than you would think, and it’s not a problem if the couple is content with their sexuality. Many of these couples enjoy affection and are extremely connected intimately, but they don’t need the sexual part to make them happy or feel complete.
Sex therapists works with couples that are not satisfied with a sexless marriage. One of the leading causes of a divorce is a lack of sex or not communicating sexual needs effectively. The main cause of a sexless marriage is having a low sex drive or libido. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V) lists low sexual desire as a disorder. However, the need to fix it isn’t completely necessary unless you are with someone who wants to have sex and you have no desire. The problem with low sexual desire is that most humans want to be touched, cuddled and intimate, and if you are feeling badly about your low libido, you may forfeit those affections as a way of protecting yourself from having sex.
Before you attempt to change your sex life talk about it with your partner. Take time to listen to your partner regarding their needs and determine together what group you are in.
- Only one of you wants sex in your marriage. A sex therapist can help you in this area. Exploring why you don’t enjoy sex as well as helping you find ways to feel connected and intimate are extremely important. Touch is the quickest way, and actions such as hugging, holding hands and massage can help you manage the awkward feelings that may stem from becoming intimate in your relationship. A visit to your medical doctor will help as well especially if you enjoyed sex at one time and then stopped abruptly.
- Both of you are dissatisfied with your sex life and want to make a change. Make it your goal to make an appointment with an urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction as well as a sex therapist. Finding out the cause of your low sex drive is the first step in curing it. Addressing the emotional aspects of your relationship are important as well. Resentment, anger and past infidelity can lower sexual desire.
- You are both happy with the amount of sex or lack thereof in your marriage. People marry for many reasons, and if sex isn’t one of yours or your partner’s, as long as you are intimate and connected, there is no need to change. You aren’t a failure or abnormal if you are both happy with a sexless marriage.
Sex and intimacy are integral parts of a healthy marriage. You cannot have a healthy marriage without intimacy, and although for the majority of couples good sex is an important part of their marriage, what’s more important is that the couple agree upon the meaning of “good sex.”